Monday, 14 April 2008

Krzyś is mean

There's one weird thing about me that a lot of people find a bit annoying. I felt like writing about it because it came up recently and it might have had a negative effect, though with the amount of sarcasm going around in the social circle, you never know. And hey, I still find social interaction confusing.

To start off, I'll remind you of something I wrote a very long time ago. I can be very mean towards my friends. I had said horrible things to my friend, which did hurt him and that he didn't take well. Not only that, I once punched him in the face because of an argument. In a way, that's an indication of a friendship bond existing between us.

I'm an honest person. I rarely lie because there's hardly a need for it, so when I speak I tend to do so truthfully. I will jest on subjects that aren't necessarily considered nice and I'll most likely do so in a sarcastic manner appropriate to the context of the interaction taking place. Meaning, I won't say something bad out of the blue and I will say it to you.

That's what I do to people I know and care about. I don't go around insulting everyone nearby because I just don't acknowledge their existence to a certain degree. They're not persons but social entities. Irrelevant to me as an individual. I only interact with them on a level appropriate to my social standing and the interrelations between our positions. The moment that interaction becomes something more, I start to act more freely around these people.

Unfortunately, I have raging emotions in me. I hit walls when I'm angry and I cry all the way through sad films. I am afraid when met with unknown situations and petrified to the extent I need to force myself to move if I'm met with an unknown dog. It often happens that those emotions are contradictory, like when I was holding my Godchild for the first time. I was happy, afraid and sad when he started crying.

I was happy because I just became a Godfather and I really do like children. I was afraid because I never held a baby and we all know how fragile they can be. Finally, I was sad because he started crying out of the blue and it traumatised me. So I said to my mom that when he gets older, I'll keep on reminding him that the first time I held him, he cried...

and that's mean! At the same time, that tells everyone that I really care about the little boy. I act the same way towards other family members because that's basically the way I am. I don't even remember what I criticise about because the content is irrelevant. There were times when I whined about having to do something while I was about to go do it and afterwards, I forgot about the whole thing. I suppose I'm just that pessimistic that I have to pick up on the flaws of people I like.

If you think being mean to people because you like them is mean, I am even more critical of myself. I'm a perfectionist and a pessimist because I pick up on every single one of my flaws. I remind myself constantly of them, even when I sleep I have dreams of people picking on my flaws in my voice. It's irrelevant of whether I'm awake or not, I can't stop telling myself how awful I am and that something needs to be done about it.

My family understands this, that I just have my moods. It's not logical to start an argument and then act like it was meaningless but that's the way I am around my closest social circles. In a way, that acts as a barrier for some, as they are unable to accept this and back off while they still have the chance. It's the rare few who can accept it and those are the people granted the friendship of a Scorpio.

While it's good to have lots of friends, I tend to go with quality over quantity when it comes to people.

Finally, I found out early on that no one is perfect so it's better to love people for their flaws.

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