Thursday, 31 May 2018


This morning I woke up from a sex dream.

Although most people I know enjoy having them, unfortunately, I do not.
They remind me of the part of having a relationship that I struggle with the most.

I suppose having one now is an aftereffect of how I've been feeling lately. Work has truly thrown a monkey wrench into my precarious social life. It was already quite hard keeping one up while dealing with shift-work, working weekends and my own high emotional sensitivity. Most times when I managed to find the time for socialising, I couldn't hold myself together for long and had to leave fairly early on. In recent weeks, however, I've been spending well over forty hours a week at work which not only cut into my social life but also started to erode my personal life.

I hadn't had time to quiet down so I ended up overwhelmed by loneliness and that recent feeling of being unloved. I'm not sure what exactly brought it up. I only remember snippets like going to the shop in the morning to get some stuff for breakfast and suddenly feeling sad that I can never do this for someone else. One moment I'm at work, everything is fine and then I'm drowning in sadness, barely capable of staying afloat.

When my recently acquired friends saw me, they tried to reach out but that only made matters worse. Paradoxically, when I'm feeling particularly lonely, what I truly require is solitude. It's nigh impossible for me to explain to people how alone I feel in a crowd so when I ask to be ignored, people refuse to do so, out of compassion, and I proceed to lose hold of myself even further.

I feel trapped by my work hours preventing me from developing professionally and socially, to such an extent that it's taking its toll on my psyche.

Monday, 9 April 2018

A Moment of Respite

I swear, every time I plan to post here regularly, something inevitably stops me from engaging in blogging... but that's a subject for another topic.

I would much rather begin by stating that I've recently been on nearly a month worth of holidays and despite not going anywhere beyond the city limits, I had quite an enjoyable time. Since returning to work I found that people are shocked to hear I didn't go abroad as they believe there is nothing to do in Brighton.

That's certainly not true.

I love this city specifically because there is a myriad of activities you can engage in provided you've got the time and means, which my time away from work gave me plenty of. Here are some highlights from those weeks.

The Good

Let's start with some good points first before moving on to the worse aspects of these eventful weeks.

I've attended all my usual classes and activities without feeling that I'm overexerting myself. Attempting to have a life beyond sitting at home while working six days a week can get difficult so a period of time when I could do everything at my own pace was a nice change.

I can't believe how social I've been. Other than my regular outing to the RP Club, I've met with people from the club for lunch and had days spent playing games with them. I've been hanging out with various friends, even working out with some at the gym.

I've played an insane amount of games. I finally started Apocrypha, a game I've been looking forward to playing since 2015! (Its release was delayed a lot.) I've had people over to play with, I went to people's places to game and I even played in a gaming shop.

Despite never considering myself a social person, I ended up with day after day of spending time with other people. It was a crazy ride but I can't say I regret it. One of my friends even invited me to a sword fighting class which I attended three of. I did not think I would enjoy practicing with a longsword so much that I'd like to go there more regularly.

The most important bit of news, however, is that during this recent holiday period I've finally received my citizenship so now I'm officially British... and thus, I can legally drink copious amounts of tea.

The Bad

As busy as I was throughout those weeks, I haven't done as much as I've planned on doing.

Areas of my living space suffer from neglect and disorganisation, I intended to do some spring cleaning but failed to get round to it. I wanted to go over my finances and do some adjustments based on my spending habits as evidenced by the pile of receipts I haven't typed into my Excel sheet. While I tried some new recipes, it was nowhere to the extent I was going for and even my miniatures went untouched by my brush. I couldn't focus on reading nor did I have the creative energy to pour into blogging and roleplay session write-ups.

I thought that having three weekends off, I could go to some sewing classes that they usually hold on Saturdays but I couldn't muster enough energy to start something new. Instead, I went to a Character Design Workshop that lasted a few hours but I was fairly disappointed by it. I didn't even open my jewellery making set which I didn't want to use for the past year as I was saving money and silver does consume money when you actively use it.

Before I move onto the next aspect of my holidays, I must preface it by admitting that I'm not an emotionally strong person. When the below happened, I broke down severely and couldn't always keep myself together. Especially when I was by myself. My failings over those weeks off stemmed mainly from this.

The Ugly

As I've mentioned previously, I've received British Citizenship. Over the course of my time off work, I was required to attend a ceremony to be presented and given said certificate. Since my parents helped me out financially get to this point, I invited them to the ceremony as guests. I did not hear from them for two weeks when I found out that they wouldn't be coming.

A few months back, during the change of the year, my dad contacted me about an issue he had. His previous employer didn't cover his parking receipt while he was driving the company's lorry. He asked me if it's legal, to which I replied that I didn't know. Later he sent me some legal webpages to read through which I couldn't fully understand because they required further contextual reference which I lack and because during the Christmas period I work very long hours, to the extent I had to leave work early one day because I started having trouble walking.

I didn't fix his issue which may have costed him £30.

My parents couldn't attend because my dad feels I'm ignoring him and acting as if he's not there. He's jealous of my relationship with my mother so she's no longer allowed to talk to me. The discussions with my mum that I had after finding this out were excruciating. I've always had a difficult relationship with my father. He's only ever tried contacting me when he needed something and when I couldn't deliver, he'd guilt trip me. There were years when we wouldn't speak until something serious happened, like his heart attack or his father's death, that got me to talk to him again... but no matter what, it always boiled down to me being treated like his personal assistant rather than a family member.

I seemingly couldn't explain this issue to my mother. She kept asking me to reach out to him, to make that first step towards having a better relationship between us, completely ignoring that I had done it three times already. I told her that all the things she was telling me I should have been hearing from him rather than simply being ordered around and disregarded as a person. When I suggested he should contact me, for once, to talk about how we can work on having a better relationship, I was told he wouldn't do that.

At that point, I felt completely shattered, even more so when I heard that nothing would have gone wrong if I had just done as I was told. As a child, I felt unwanted, and as an adult, I feel used and manipulated. Whenever I tried raising these issues, I was told that wasn't how I felt. While I would love to have a good relationship with my family, I no longer believe in one-sided relationships so I also had to let go of this one.

Tuesday, 20 June 2017

What is Your Quest?

I have noticed there are some misconceptions circulating about my nationality. While it's true that I've been working on becoming a British citizen, I am sadly not at the end of my quest yet.

Over the past few months I've made certain steps towards that goal. First of which was passing the Life in The UK exam, followed by applying for a Permanent Residency Permit. Both of which required a lot of time. I've spent a month preparing for the exam, a week filling up a form for the permit and two months waiting for a decision to be made. It all went well enough. I expected to wait half a year for the permit but I got it in less than half the time which allowed me to visit my godson for his first communion ceremony. My main hurdle at the moment is money.

I've been saving money for it for the past year. Due to that trip I had to spend some of it so my plan to get it done by the holiday season didn't pan out. The fee going up by three times what I expected this year didn't help either. So a few weeks ago I sat down to make some calculations. Turns out that going by my usual rate I'll have enough money saved up for it in March.

As such, my main concern now is to cut down my expenses so I can get it over with as soon as possible. Currently, my plan is to cut down on my usual expenses so I can hit my target sooner than March. I've already made some decisions to achieve that.

- Reluctantly, I broke my promise to a good friend to visit her in Amsterdam this year.
- I won't be doing anything for my birthday in November nor for Christmas as in previous years.
- I'm suspending my dojo membership for the next three months.

All of the above should net me three months worth of savings and if I receive back the money I lent out to a friend, I'll have another month worth of savings to add to that.

It still won't let me reach my goal by October but my mum wanted to give me the money I'm missing. I refused to take any, obviously, but we talked about it some and reached an agreement where I would borrow money from her after the summer holidays. Hopefully, I'll manage to spend as much time at work as possible over the coming months, boosting my income in the process so I won't be forced to borrow as much from my mum as she's offering to give me.

Wednesday, 7 June 2017

Cutting Down

For the past few months I've been logging in on Facebook, going down my Friend List and clicking the unfriend button on someone. I would do this on a small scale every year after my birthday but this time I decided to go through all my social networks, Facebook being the last stop.

I'd like to be more open online like I used to be, especially now that I'm putting up a front in my day-to-day life. In order to do that though, I have to ensure that only a select group of people has viewing privileges.

I've never been a party person. Although it seemed to me to be a well-known fact, it kept being ignored. I was constantly subjected to endless questioning and dismissal in my attempts to explain why I take no enjoyment in the same activities as most. Despite it, my wishes went ignored and I kept being damaged by so-called friends who thought they were doing me a favour by trying to fix me.

I was tired of dealing with it.

I thought that maybe if I go out a few times, drink some, start lying about having fun but my finances dwindling too much because of it, I'll be able to get some peace at work. It worked, in a way. I no longer feel like I'm being dragged out against my will when I decline an offer.

I'm not happy that I had to resort to outright lying to people and I have to admit, being so closed up these days is having severe negative effects on me.

I broke down last week.
I spent a whole day mostly in bed and in tears.
Today I managed to keep myself together for half a day, at least.

I guess I'm still struggling to find a balance to this new way of life.

Tuesday, 7 March 2017


I wasn't feeling well this past weekend.

It was odd as I had an entire day to myself before going to work over the weekend but until Sunday evening, I had the impression I would simply fall over. I don't know what came over me.

Earlier that week I broke down completely, cancelled nearly all my regular outings and stayed at home for two days. That was because I had two very long and stressful weeks at work prior to those days. I thought I managed to sort myself out. I went to dancing yesterday and I was just about to go practice ninpo today when that ever present feeling of shame overcame me. I could hardly get myself to do anything. I ended up spending most of the day just watching Naruto Shippūden.

Although I'm fairly fond of anime, I don't enjoy days like this. I've been feeling emotionally weak lately and, these days, it seems harder for me to pull myself back together. Most days I manage to bottle up my feelings of shame and go out into the world despite them crawling along after me.

I'm truly ashamed of the way I am, of what I enjoy and of what I dislike. At times like these, I'd love to talk to someone but I know full well that most of my friends and family would be more than happy to see me give up on my activities and spend my time in front of the telly instead.

I know they mean well; that they think I would do better in life if I had more numbers on my bank account, that I'm overextending myself or simply not enjoying what life has to offer. Despite knowing their intent, it still hurts when I'm being laughed at for enjoying something else, for feeling stressed out by engaging in their form of entertainment and for being different.

I'm not proud of what I do and enjoy. I only started applying myself in a variety of fields because I decided I deserve to enjoy life as everyone else. Just because I enjoy different things, doesn't mean I shouldn't do them.

I can say in all honesty that I'd rather be the sort of person who likes to go out and get drunk with people but no matter how much I try, it stresses me out to such an extent that I eventually break down mentally.

I try to distance myself from people so I don't have to deal so much with feeling worse in comparison to them when I'm being asked to go out but there are still moments when their best efforts get to me and it becomes too much to deal with.

Tuesday, 24 January 2017

The Yellow Brick Road

The subject of journeys has cropped up into my mind recently.

I suppose with all that's been going on in the world, people talking of moving away and some taking steps to do so, it was inevitable.

When I moved out to study abroad, my plan was to get an education and qualifications to travel around the world teaching English. Over my time in education, I saw a slew of offers to teach abroad and heard of people moving around Europe, simply changing schools they teach at... but after some years I realised I only wanted that so I'd have photos of various places to upload to Facebook and make other people envious. Their envy, however, wouldn't have made me happy.

When the subject of what languages I speak creeps up into the conversation what generally follows is an expectation that I've been to every country whose language I'm more or less familiar with but I lack the wanderlust some people exhibit.

Even when I went to Paris with my parents a few months ago, I had to cancel meeting some friends for a boardgame which would have been a nicer way to spend my time. I keep catching myself forgetting I went abroad recently, I just care so little for it. I did get a few books out of it so I can't complain.

When I'm shown photos of other people's travels, while I appreciate the joy they exhibit and see how wonderful the places they went to are, I don't regret not having the time nor money to go there. In fact, while people around me talk about how they'd love to have a chance to travel but for various reasons can't, I probably have the means to just up and leave.

Why not? Why not go on a grand adventure spanning a few years, experience what the world has to offer? Because it's a life that carries with itself a burden of impermanence. Such a life holds no appeal to me.

I'm not satisfied living with what I can carry, working and filling my spare time with socialising. I've worked hard on creating a life for myself that I could be happy with. Although it's not perfect and I'm still implementing plans to make it more manageable, I could do without various people telling me to throw everything into the bin and go be pretend-happy instead.

Tuesday, 13 December 2016

A Vital Test

Shortly after my birthday celebrations were done, I started to focus more on studying for a test.

The test in question was called Life in The UK.

It's one of the requirements for obtaining a British passport as part of the naturalisation process. It's also a test that I've attempted once and failed by a few points so, naturally, I was horribly stressed while going over questions for it every day for two weeks.

I would have tried sitting through it last year but the problems I have had in the past two years depleted my funds in their entirety. I wasn't in any financial nor mental shape to go through the whole application process at the time. However, with this year's news of the UK leaving the EU, I decided it was as good a time as any to try once more.

Yes, this book...
There's a book you're supposed to go through to prepare for the test. I read through it all, cover to cover, a few years back as preparation for my first attempt and, as mentioned before, it wasn't enough. Despite assurances from friends and family, I didn't manage to pass. So this time I approached it in a different manner, I started doing practice tests.

Every day I would sat down in front of the computer screen, click on a link to the practice tests and go through them time and time again. Of course, a lot of times I would be one point short of passing. A fact I found most infuriating but I redid them until my scores improved. I mainly took note of the terms and facts I wasn't familiar with and looked them up, while reading too much into them, as is my way.

I was stressed throughout half of November. There were nights I couldn't sleep. I'd go to bed and wake up a few hours later unable to shut my eyes for the remainder of the night. I even turned down opportunities to play games because I had to study!

I didn't think much of it when the day finally came. I made sure I packed all my documents the day before, had a day of rest, woke up and went off. With trains being as they are, I took an early one. Fortunately, my way to Croydon had only one problem in that the automatic doors at my destination's station refused to read my ticket. I was let out without a fuss though and headed off to the test centre. I passed a music shop with violins on display, always a good sign.

When I entered the centre, I was informed that I don't have to wait for my specified time and may do the test straight away. I presented my documents, they checked my ears for bluetooth devices and asked me to roll up my sleeves before I was allowed to enter the examination room.

It was a fairly simple design with desks and computers all around it with one in the middle where an observer was situated. I sat down and answered all the questions I could. I was baffled to see so many of them having been from the practice tests I took. Of course, they were not exactly the same questions. Often, the questions and answers were reversed but I had a very good idea what they would be. I even had a plethora of the exact same questions I was telling of my parents over the phone the other day.

Surely enough, after all was said and done. I was told I passed, they printed out a certificate with my name on it and congratulated me. I went home and that night I roleplayed first and then went to have a drink. I had way too much to drink and stayed up way too long but I could hardly contain myself.

Suffice to say, after all that, I was positively shattered at the end of November.

PS: If anyone is interested in what sort of questions are there on the test, here's a useful link.