Tuesday, 17 November 2015

Not Fair

Doctor Who recently gave us a wonderful speech on war and what happens when you take the first step... but what really got me in that episode wasn't the speech itself but the reason behind one character wanting to start a war. In that episode, at one point, she said that the treatment her race received wasn't fair.

It's hard for me to accept such reasoning as a basis of an argument.

Fairness, Justice and Equality are all worthy and noble concepts to uphold but they're just that, concepts. How well they exist is dependent upon people. I've met people who do good deeds because they believe good deeds will be done to them, and I meet people who do whatever they want, not caring whether their deeds will hurt others.

Don't we even have a saying It's nothing personal?
As if that somehow makes it better to hurt another.

All these people, no matter how good or bad they are, have good and bad things happen to them.
Because Life, ultimately, doesn't subsribe to your notion of good and evil.
It doesn't care what happens to you and whether you like it or not.

Some people are born to riches, some are talented, some are supported, some are given opportunities... and some people aren't. Where's the fairness in that?

There is none...

Wednesday, 12 August 2015


I suppose it's my second attempt at getting back into blogging.
It's odd, really.

I was doing very badly these past few months. I had a lot of doubts about various areas of my life. I didn't feel comfortable talking with my friends about it. Last summer was a very big hit. I could hardly deal with all that happened... and when I tried to talk with my friends about it, I often got the advice that I should forget about it all. I wish I could just mark certain experiences, press a button, and have the deleted but that's not how it works, unfortunately.

I wanted to reconcile past events, analyse myself and make peace with what happened. My state was such that I sought help in people I thought closest to me at the time but instead I felt pushed away, my emotions devalued. It didn't matter how I felt.

That's not entirely true. Although I felt ostracised, I know people meant well. I'm just a very different person emotionally and while people find me alluring, despite their best efforts, I often feel misunderstood on an emotional level.

At one point, my state got so bad that I sought professional help. I spent all my saving on counselling which, in retrospect, I could have done without if only I remembered about this place. I only really needed an outlet for my emotions, some form of expressing my feelings. I realised it when I was talking with my counsellor. It didn't matter to me whether she was there nor if she was listening. For me, it was good sorting out the maze that my thoughts and emotions have become.

All I really needed was to think, to write and to live.

It's safe to say I wasted a lot of my money. It might take me a long time before I get back up to the point I was at before last summer, when I felt happy and on track with life.

At least now, I know what I should be doing.

Saturday, 18 April 2015


There's something that's been on my mind for a while.

For the past few months I've been acting unlike myself.

I was going out, talking to people, I joined two WhatsApp groups composed mainly of people I know from work and whenever I was around anyone, I've been silly and put up a smile.

Everyone told me I was happy and way more positive than before. It's disheartening to experience how easily the people who you spend most of your time with are fooled.

I haven't been happy for a year now. Every time I hear people tell me different, I just get sadder internally. I didn't let it show, just pretended it's all right and tried to go on with life but it seems bottling up these emotions isn't working all that well for me.

It's always been hard for me to explain my feelings and my way of being to others because people don't seem to want to accept it. I know they want all the best for me but their words end up hurting me more than they help.

One guy introduced me to someone new, saying that I was cool and I never used to go out much but now they're working on me and I'm starting to get the Spanish spirit. Although I've been told that people accept me, when I hear words like that, all I can think of is how the person I appear to be is more valuable than the one I am.

I was told once that I have a lot of positive energy now; to which I replied that maybe I'm just very good at pretending. An assertion that seems to be correct since how I feel and how people around me think I feel is constantly at odds.

Then... there are the parties. I've been invited to some on several occassions. I went a few times, whenever I had the time but as usual, it never works out in my favour.

Sunday, 22 February 2015

Dusting off

It has been a while since I last wrote anything here. My grandiose plan of writing at least once a month didn't come to fruition at all. Suffice to say, I have had a very difficult summer.

There was enough grief and dissapointment going through my heart that I could hardly focus my mind on anything. As is the usual case with me, my healing process took a few months to show any results. I forced myself to stand up and engaged in activities I always wanted to be a part of my life but for which lack I constantly made an excuse after excuse not to participate in.

I'm doing a lot better now.
I'm being social again, I feel like doing stuff and I'm making progress with my various projects.

Life goes on.
The daily struggle of existence continues.

Friday, 5 September 2014

Writing Woes

Among the many words that were used to describe me, some of them dealt with my skill with the written word.

I've been called eloquent, a word-smith and a silver-tongued devil. I've written short-stories and poems. I've been published and I even gave a talk on writing and translating. As much as I like to read and to write, I feel as if I'm not doing enough of either.

Time is an issue but the lack thereof is no excuse. I, as many other would-be writers, often fall into the trap of editting rather than writing. It's the bad habit of focusing on a page that has been writing at the cost of writing more. Editting should be left for last, after all is written, so they say.

However, that's not my problem. I know I can find the time to write and I've been progressing well with writing instead of editting. Especially now that I stopped creating RPG campaigns and scenarios, so my creativity flows into characters and plots for use in stories.

What keeps me from writing as I should is that I've started to feel as if my thoughts became this unruly and disorganised mess. Whenever I dig through my ideas, and sort out themes and plots, I have the nagging feeling of nothing making sense. I look at what I wrote: beginning, middle and end... and it seems wrong. It's akin to having a deck of cards thrown up into the air and looking at how neatly organised it is lying on the floor.

It wouldn't be a problem if it happened post-writing, that's what editting is for. Unfortunately, I'm feeling this way when I form something as simple as a series of events. I think of things happening and how they lead into other events and actions... but it all feels wrong, somehow... and I simply can't place it.

It's an issue of form. I have ideas, too many at times, but I doubt my ability to make them coherent; to present a thought in a manner that can be understand, to extrapolate it further within the body of the text and to end it with a semi-finality.

This craft that I had, mayhap I've lost it, or am I simply mad?

Sunday, 29 June 2014

Every Summer

I was really looking forward to this summer.
I found people to play boardgames with, I started getting calls from schools, the management at my workplace wanted me to teach their staff, I went on my first date...

and then everything went down...

All the callbacks I got amounted to nothing...
The management thought I'd work for free...
My dad had a heart attack...

and now I don't feel like dealing with people whose only input is to smile and not be like this...

Saturday, 31 May 2014

New Gamers

Thanks to some very strange manipulation of time, space and fate, I've ended up playing table-top games regularly again.

I didn't realise how much I missed playing these games. Since I've stopped going to gaming meetings, I only ever played on various consoles and now that I'm playing again I can't help but look back at the time when most of my gaming was either a board-game or a card-game.

I used to play often and a lot but during the games there was a type of attitude that slowly eroded my enthusiasm for playing games. When there was this big shop in Brighton called Wargames Heaven, we used to play Game of Thrones a lot. (Yes, we played it before it was cool!) While I have decks for each of the major houses, I mostly played Stark and certain people began to be irritated with me.

I like playing games. For some that's apparently a problem because games aren't for playing, they're for winning. It is simply impossible to enjoy a game without winning it. I never minded losing. I enjoyed playing the game, I talked about what cool plays took place and how nice it was to see everyone. In return I was told off for not winning and told what cards to take out of my deck so I could win. That's how my enthusiasm slowly eroded into nothingness...

Going to Magic The Gathering events discouraged me too. I remember being new, wanting to play and meet new people. Upon hearing I was still learning how to play and only had two decks with me, someone offered to play a game with me. He opened up a box with about a dozen decks, asked me to pick one and then he took out another deck from his backpack. Suffice to say, he kept winning after every few turns.

That sort of attitude where you're deliberately setting a newbie up for failure is very bad. When playing with a newbie, it's a given they will make mistakes. Whenever someone I'm playing with plays a card that they either can't or shouldn't play, I am given an immediate advantage in knowing what they'll play. If next turn I want to play a powerful card and I know my opponent can easily destroy it, I can play a card I don't mind losing and keep the better one for a latter opening... but that's not what I do. I keep my strategy assuming that the mistake didn't happen. I don't want to win, I want to play. I can't play with someone who will get discouraged over me taking advantage of them being a beginner.

When you play against a newbie, it's easy to win. Anyone can do it.
The real challenge is teaching someone to play well enough that they'll beat you on your best day.
That's the sort of games worth playing...