Wednesday, 12 August 2015

Life

I suppose it's my second attempt at getting back into blogging.
It's odd, really.

I was doing very badly these past few months. I had a lot of doubts about various areas of my life. I didn't feel comfortable talking with my friends about it. Last summer was a very big hit. I could hardly deal with all that happened... and when I tried to talk with my friends about it, I often got the advice that I should forget about it all. I wish I could just mark certain experiences, press a button, and have the deleted but that's not how it works, unfortunately.

I wanted to reconcile past events, analyse myself and make peace with what happened. My state was such that I sought help in people I thought closest to me at the time but instead I felt pushed away, my emotions devalued. It didn't matter how I felt.

That's not entirely true. Although I felt ostracised, I know people meant well. I'm just a very different person emotionally and while people find me alluring, despite their best efforts, I often feel misunderstood on an emotional level.

At one point, my state got so bad that I sought professional help. I spent all my saving on counselling which, in retrospect, I could have done without if only I remembered about this place. I only really needed an outlet for my emotions, some form of expressing my feelings. I realised it when I was talking with my counsellor. It didn't matter to me whether she was there nor if she was listening. For me, it was good sorting out the maze that my thoughts and emotions have become.

All I really needed was to think, to write and to live.

It's safe to say I wasted a lot of my money. It might take me a long time before I get back up to the point I was at before last summer, when I felt happy and on track with life.

At least now, I know what I should be doing.