Thursday, 29 August 2013

Childish Things

I'd say everyone has certain comments that they don't want to hear about themselves. For me, they seem to crop up every few weeks. Someone in my vicinity will inevitably imply how great a husband I would be... and it would have been nice to hear that if I were still to believe in Love.

My problem with Love is that I've wanted to have a family for the better part of my life. Whenever I went to a new school, I had hopes that I will just lay eyes upon that one person and as our gazes meet, we would fall in love and spend the rest of our lives together. As I went to secondary school, high school, university and even to work, that moment never came.

People keep telling me that I'm still young and my life is ahead of me, so that moment is still within reach, but I've been feeling old since I was twelve and now that I'm more than twice that, I feel too old to start dating. Especially when I think about how everyone has had their fair share of relationships and I'm just lagging behind.

Nowadays, when I think of a relationship, all it really amounts to in my head is as an unnecessary distraction. I'm already struggling with finding the time to just sit down and do something I like. I'm not reading, writing, painting, cooking, studying nor gaming as much as I would like. Adding a relationship on top of it all would just complicate matters.

Thing is, even though my life isn't what I imagined it to be, I'm not particularly unhappy with it. I've got two godsons to take care of; the only problem is that I don't see them as often since they're so far away, I have friends who I can give a massage to, brush their hair, hug, make dinner for, go to a restaurant, watch a film and have tea with. In other words, everything I wanted to do with a partner. The only difference now that I see between Friendship and a Relationship is sex and since I'm not keen on that, there really isn't much reason for me to go out looking for a girlfriend.

For some reason I keep thinking of sex as rather vulgar and objectifying towards a woman. While I like that romance of waking up, cuddling and having breakfast together, I can't get over the fact I'd first have to sleep with someone. People have been telling me that this notion of mine is silly and that intercourse is romantic and emotional but I just don't see it. Then they usually follow up with suggesting I go see a doctor but I really don't want look at a woman and think of all the ways to screw her. Another excellent suggestion I've been given is to just blatantly lie about my libido but, here too, I can't see the point in basing a relationship on a lie. When I was younger, I thought girls will want to be with someone who doesn't want to just have sex but I had to grow out of this way of thinking. Probably around the time someone told me that if a woman doesn't feel like the man wants to sleep with her, then she feels ugly... and I just can't ruin beauty with vulgarity.

I suppose letting this dream die is for the best. I've been holding back on doing more to get a better job and improving my living conditions. I kept postponing that step because I know full well that if I were to have a decent wage, a job I wouldn't be ashamed of, a house of my own or even a car, I wouldn't be able to trust anyone to love me for who I am rather than what I have. Now that I have nothing, I could understand someone falling in love with me. If, by any chance, however, I manage to get all these things people seem to crave so much, I wouldn't know how to tell if someone loves me or just sees an advantage in hooking up with someone who can provide her with decent living conditions.

That is what I believed when I was a child: Love, Honesty and Compassion.

It's about time I did away with childish things...