Everything at Once

Once I thought I could manage one post a month, at a minimum, but that also proves to be too much at times. Last few weeks, probably closer to a month, have been kept me rather busy. At one point I even felt like my life became some kind of telenovela and I wished I could just skip a few episodes.

I've spent seven weeks in the flat next door living out of boxes. I unpacked very little because I knew it was temporary. My landlady tried to persuade me to rent that flat instead but I'm truly glad I didn't. At first I wanted to avoid it because it was bigger and thus more expensive. I didn't need further financial strain before I secured employment. Then it turned out that despite the place being bigger, it had some major downsides. The kitchen area was at least half the size as my current one, I couldn't fit my kitchenware neatly into it and the sink was made of easily stainable material. It was also smaller than my current one and the faucet didn't reach the middle of the sink where you'd be washing plates. The wooden floor was too slippery for Artemis to run around on so she avoided playing and when she did, it dulled her hind claws.

I'm glad I'm out of here... but I'm disappointed that in those 7 weeks, they only painted the walls a different colour. The floor is still creaking and uneven and I expect the windows are still going to make this place very cold come winter. At least I now have a bunk bed which created much needed storage space for my game collection.

I like that I found out I had to move back when she knocked on my door with a potential tenant who came in for a viewing. The following week I was moving my things while starting a new job. That also came as a surprise because I spent the previous week struggling with a recruitment agency who couldn't find me on their system despite signing up and then it turned out I had to provide additional documents and chase references for them before being given an assignment. Just when I thought all was lost, turns out they didn't send me an email with the start date so I started working a day later.

Starting a new job, while exciting, it's also tiring as there's a lot of information to absorb. Moreover, every day I got home and spent a few more hours moving my things. I thought a new tenant would be moving at the end of that week so I had to be fast about it but when I was done, it turned out he decided not to move in.

It was for the best because for another week, my landlady had trouble with the mattress she ordered for the flat. I spent two weeks in total living between flats. One was my living room while the other was my bedroom. During that week, my mum decided she had enough and came over during the day while I was at work. I wasn't happy about it, I told her as much, especially since I made it clear I had enough being taken advantage of by dad and wanted an apology at the very least on his side... but she also had enough of that issue between us destroying her relationship with me. She camped with my sister in front of my door for four hours waiting for me to get back so I at least got them some tea. Now we're working on re-connecting.

It's going well enough for now. They came over again recently, this time invited, we had dinner and played a game. I appreciate it that she's trying to be respectful but, apparently, I still need to remind her that I'm not here to fix their problems by pretending to be my dad and calling governmental organisations on his behalf.

Well, it's all done now and I'm slowly regaining my equilibrium. I'm settling into a proper routine around my work hours, getting up for breakfast, going to work and having the evening for myself. There's still a fair amount of organising around the house to do so some of my hobbies are suffering but that won't be an issue for long, I hope.

Different to the Core

The plan was to put these words down somewhere around the time a year had passed since the first Covid-19 lockdown announcement.

As it usually is the case with life, that didn’t work out as planned.

I wanted to sit down and reflect on this strange period of life because there are certain things I’ve noticed about myself when looking at other people's reactions. Alas, this same life stopped me from focusing on reflection by starting to get busy. Honestly, I should have seen this coming. Restrictions are being lifted so better job offers are starting to appear and I finally got to move to the flat next door.

I say “finally” because it was being renovated since February when it was supposed to take a few weeks. Between the intensified job hunt, moving my things and having Artemis meow sadly as all her things were slowly disappearing, I barely had any time to adjust. One evening my body gave up and I struggled through headaches and nausea. Fortunately, it was nothing lying in bed couldn’t fix.

I’m feeling much better now and although a significant portion of my belongings is still in boxes, I’m settled in well enough to gather my thoughts properly:

1 – People complaining about wearing masks are petulant children.

I’m unable to see them as anything other than that. Their bickering over how horrible it is to wear what amounts to a piece of clothing over their face is pathetic. I know from personal experience that the inconvenience of wearing a mask is nothing compared to wearing an actual gas mask. Those things are the stuff of nightmares, a simple fabric mask is barely noticeable.

2 – Although there have been negative changes to my lifestyle caused by the pandemic, I have been managing to go through it quite fine.

I’ve learned of people mentally struggling with aspects of life that were of no concern to me. This made me realise most people must truly hate my lifestyle. Suddenly, no one is going out to socialise and drink in a pub or club. Travel evaporated as people were confined to their homes. Some even only managed to go to a restaurant only twice last year. Seeing people having mental breakdowns over what amounts to my normal way of life was truly bizarre.

3 – The biggest change caused by this pandemic has been moving back to an online focused life.

I say “back” because it gave me a mixed sense of nostalgia and regression. I spent a lot of time working on moving away from an online existence which was my staple in high school and throughout my university years. Going back to my comfort zone was odd to say the least but I enjoyed spending time with my friends... at least at first. As time went on people were increasingly complaining about the way we were hanging out and the means we used to play games. I tried to ignore it because it was either this or nothing at all but after a few months, it soured my relationships with my gaming friends to an extent where I had to take a step back.

---

I can’t say that I was unaffected by the pandemic. My career and personal development plans took such a massive hit, I often worry I may not recover from it but my mental health suffered little from being confined to my home… which is the place I look forward to going back to the most.

The main thing I can take away from the series of lockdowns is that now, more than ever, I see I’m not made for this “normal” that we had before them. As restrictions are easing and people are anticipating going back to “normal”, I’m not sure when I’ll be making the step to re-join the masses.

Week 10: We're Safe?

Everything is fine

Going outside is in many ways inevitable. I venture outside regularly in order to get my groceries done for the week. It's been two months since the lockdown was first announced. Cafés, restaurants and pubs, and the vast majority of shops are still closed. The few that are open have limits on how many people are allowed inside which causes queues to form outside with people spaced out about two metres between themselves. If not for this, you'd think the pandemic is over.

The moment you enter a store, social distancing becomes a thing of the past. The lack of crowds is the only thing that may remind you there's a crisis going on outside if you keep it in your mind this is not a slow day at the store.

At this point it doesn't feel like this situation will get better any time soon. I suppose this thought it part of why I'm feeling so down these days. Two months of unemployment coupled with low prospects of re-employment during this crisis is not doing me any good. I think it's starting to dawn on me that before the virus hit, I was doing very well working on improving my living conditions and now everything is stagnant bordering on falling apart.

Week 9: Books!

The address to the nation that the Prime Minister provided us with was a sham. A vague notion of staying alert like you could spot a microscopic virus creeping up on you in a dark alley if you could only keep your wits sharp was presented as the next stage of facing the current crisis. The government's message was so confusing that throughout the week, they kept changing the meaning of what has been said. It's a mess... the result of which is that people are now acting as if the lockdown is over. It's fairly likely that the way this is being handled will cause another rise in deaths which is already highest in Europe. As bad as it was, it now feels a lot worse.

BOOKS!

However, there were some good news this week. I have received Jobseeker Allowance which should help me manage my financial situation slightly better and I have received a gift in the post. My good friend Matias got me two books as a gift to get through these harsh times. I haven't opened either up yet because I was going re-reading the newly released Sentinel Comics RPG in pdf. I say re-read but that's not entirely true. Some of the chapters have been released to Kickstarter backers previously, which I have gone through, but that was a pre-production copy so now I'm reading the actual game even if the material in some places is unchaged.

I must admit, I have read very little this year. My reading habits are normally very sporadic but I still manage to go through a decent number of books. This year, however, I only finished one book. It's been hard sitting down to do anything recently and when I had the energy, I tried to channel it into housework and looking for employment. Which did not stop me from picking up the Hunger Games trilogy off the street on my weekly walk to the store.

Week 8: Queue

There's very little to be said about this week.
It's another one of those where I'm simply waiting for things.

I've spoken with my landlady and she has reduced my rent for this month so I won't have to worry about running out of money. I'll have to repay her the difference when I'm provided with financial support through Universal Credit though.

A Kickstarter I backed a few years ago has announced that they will be releasing a pdf for their roleplaying game by the end of this week or start of the next one. Clearly, at this point it'll be at the start of next week. There's something good to look forward to, at least.

We're also waiting for the Prime Minister to address the nation at the end of this week. Word is that the lockdown restrictions are to be relaxed which, of course, means people are already ignoring it more than they should. What the address will actually say is still anyone's guess but knowing this government I highly doubt it'll be any good.

Week 7: Disappointment

I wasn't expecting to be receiving much in terms of financial support from the government through Universal Credit but I was still shocked to learn that I will be getting nothing at all. Apparently, every pound I've earned with my last paycheck has reduced my claim for this month by 63p which, in total, reduced it to a zero.

I've still got enough to see me through this month and I hope I'll be receiving some financial support in the following month because with the lockdown going strong, it's unlikely I'll find employment until it's lifted.

I've been really hitting the films this week. Nearly every evening I spent watching a film of some sort. I haven't done this in ages. Usually I just sit down to watch an episode of a TV show because it's a smaller time commitment than a film but now we're all finding ourselves with more time to spare on our hands. I really should do something more productive with my time.

I had a horrible headache over the weekend so to keep myself occupied, I made a Steam Workshop Item for Tabletop Simulator. Green Ronin released a Print to Play version of their upcoming Sentinels of Earth Prime card game so I took the files and converted them to import into Tabletop Simulator. I'm looking forward to testing the game out with my RP mates tomorrow.

I'm trying not to have naps in the late afternoon as they mess up my sleep schedule too much.

Week 6: The Waiting Game

and so does time pass

There's very little I can say regarding this week. I'm not even sure what I was doing most of the time. Nothing special, that's for certain. I'm losing track of what I'm doing lately...

This week feels like it's all been about waiting. I'm to find out what my Universal Credit payment will be for next month so I can plan out my finances next week. While I suspect it won't be much, I hope it'll still help me plow through these strange times we find ourselves in.

My RP session this week was supposed to be the last one but it got extended into another week. That one will be the last, after which I won't be running games for the duration of the lockdown. Although I enjoyed it and am looking forward to using Tabletop Simulator in boardgaming further with my friends, I can't get myself to run a game without a set schedule. Not knowing when this lockdown will end gets to me too much.

I've still got a stuffy, and sometimes runny, nose. I had to resort to using a nasal spray to clear it up enough so I could sleep at night.

Week 5: Just a Note

not going anywhere

This week started off well enough as I've received a call from the Job Centre informing me that my Universal Credit has been sorted so I'll be getting some modest income next month. That should help me last a little bit longer. I'm still holding onto hope that I'll be able to return to work after all this is over, which brings me to the next bit of news.

The lockdown has been extended by a further three weeks. While I continue applying for jobs, finding one is becoming increasingly difficult. I think the uncertainty of the situation is starting to get to me. This is not helped by the usual effects of reduced activity on my system. Without regular exercise, I'm finding it harder to sleep and eat. My focus is also slipping and I'm becoming more lethargic.

After talking with some RPG comunity members, I've found out that my internet connection is not up to the standards I thought it was so I had to call my provider. They were willing to upgrade it free of charge but due to the crisis, are unable to get an engineer out until June. I may have to deal with my low connection until then. It's annoying as it's inhibiting my ability to play games with my friends lately.

My nose has been blocked for two weeks now. I had to start using a nasal spray so I could breathe while falling asleep. I'm just glad my sneeze and cough combination has subsided to manageable levels. Maybe in a week I'll be rid of it and I'll be able to breathe without needing additional assistance.

Week 4: Apathy

The modern Void

This was supposed to be a week for me to sort things out. Suffice to say, it didn't go as planned. I think the reality of the situation has finally dawned upon me and I'm struggling to keep myself upright against the weight of it all.

Since my phone calls for Universal Credit were unsuccessful, I hoped looking for a job would help me gain some income while the lockdown is still in place. I could hardly find anything to apply for. Even the few positions I had applied for wouldn't earn me enough income to actually get by. I tried to get my mind off that worry by cleaning and organising my living space. I then realised too late I ran out of kitchen towels. I thought I had one more spare but no. After suddenly being unable to continue with my plans, I ended up wasting time on YouTube and uploading card scans to Tabletop Simulator so I could waste even more time on playing some game.

Even the game I started to run this week had issues. I was now plagued with internet connectivity issues despited having "super fast broadband". I managed to save it by streaming my screen instead of having people join the table online but I was still upset at another plan of mine not working despite preparations. I am the sort of person who prepares for difficulties and I tested earlier if my connection could handle people in game. I had no problems until now, somehow.

With my mood plummeting, I had no energy left to attend to neither my violin nor my painting desk. Both of which keep gathering dust...

Week 3: The Great Outdoors

I went to the store this week prepared for the worst. I took a book with me to have something to read as I stood in the queue to enter the shop. Somehow, the queue moved rapidly and I hardly noticed being in it. The store staff worked well on moving people along and letting people in as soon as others left the store. I wish shoppers would organise as well!

You could tell things were different. The floor was made into zones with a clever use of duck tape and each had an arrow pointing out the direction shoppers should go. This was to implement social distancing and to keep people 2 meters away from each other. However, the theme of this week has been ignorance.

I tried to keep to the designated space I was in, waiting for people in front of me to move along but after several other shoppers going past myself, reaching shelves over my cart and going the opposite way, I too gave up on social distancing. I didn't want to spend an additional hour, trying to follow the rules which others made it difficult to try. Imagine waiting for the person in front of you to pick something off the shelf and move further along, only for that lady to move into your space and browse the shelves. I could either ignore her or move back. All in all, at one point it felt I was the only one doing my part.

Sadly, even when going to and from the shop, you could see people blatantly ignoring the lockdown. During this period you're not supposed to venture outside unless necessary. I can understand seeing a person with a backpack on a bike, clearly going to the shop, but instead I saw a family of four going for a bike ride around town. I walked past some teens filming their parkour session on some steps. There were elderly people casually sitting on public benches having a smoke or beverage from a paper cup.

We're supposed to limit the spread of this virus by staying at home and practicing social distancing but instead we've got groups of people who think it's best to go to the beach or park because the weather is nicer outside. If only this virus could have been more considerate and strike in winter when everyone was indoors to begin with.

In other news, I'm feeling loads better and am in the process of putting life back together. I have finally disassembled my desktop and cleaned all the fans of dust. I had to go to the garden to do it and took Artemis with me. She was a bit overwhelmed and I had to tie her up to a tree as she was not fond of the sound the can with compressed air was making.

The idea for next week is to continue with sorting myself and the flat out.

Week 2: Socially Distant

That would be me in a nutshell

This week has brought in some significant changes. I was having a sneezing fit over the weekened which iritated my throat enough that I also started coughing so in the midst of this plague, I decided to call in sick and give myself a day more to recover. I mainly wanted to avoid scaring people, especially after senior management told me I shouldn't be in the office if I sneeze last week.

It wasn't long until I received an email informing me of being made redundant due to the decrease in cases caused by countries around Europe closing their borders. I wasn't the only one as I was soon added to a WhatsApp group among others to discuss this matter and further steps. I had to sadly explain that the government scheme to cover 80% of employee wages wasn't paid directly to individuals but to companies who would decide to keep their staff and pay them as normal, thus reducing employee costs to 20% for the corporate body. The only real remedy here is Universal Credit but as many people are finding out, it's hard to get through to them because their workload has suddenly sky-rocketed amid many companies closing.

The main thing is that this is the same week we were being paid this month so I still got a decent paycheck and my unspent holiday allowance. My landlady also said she's flexible with rent because this pandemic is hitting everyone. For the time being, I'm doing well financially so I hope I'll weather this storm somewhat. There's even possibility of re-employment if the situation changes.

All in all, it has been an odd week. The government suggested people stay at home and practice social distancing in order to inhibit the spread of this disease. Apparently that means going out only once a week for grocery shopping, avoiding close proximity with other people and using self-checkouts... so my usual way of life, I guess.

When I heard all this, my first thought was surprise at learning people buy groceries more than once a week. I though I do it too often because I've got a small fridge so I can't store much in it. To be fair, I am spending more time indoors now as the places I regularly go to are closed until further notice. Brighton Dancing has cancelled all their events, the dojo and gym closed their doors and my violin teacher is not giving lessons until the quarantine is lifted. Judging from the internet memes, I am taking this isolation a lot better than most people.

A sense of humour, these people have

It feels like this week truly sped by. I wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary as my routine has been suddenly changed and that throws me out of whack significantly. I ventured outside only to pick up my book from the office and to buy some groceries. When I reached the main Tesco, I saw they were implementing social distancing measures in the form of limiting the number of shoppers inside and keeping the rest in a queue with people spaced out. It was an enormous queue. I couldn't get myself to stand there and wait until it moved so I went to a smaller store in a different area.

Last week our roleplaying decided to move online. There was a drive to get me a new headset because my current webcam was giving people too much static so I couldn't join in. I rejected offers for it and for a software called Tabletop Simulator. Eventually though, it was gifted to me by a member and upon deliberations, I ordered a headset. I didn't want to get one initially as I didn't think it was essential and with loss of income, spending money has to be tight but as schools are now providing lessons online, I would need better equipment to do cover work.

The horror! The Arkham!

I kept checking on my friends, to see how they're doing in these difficult times. Many have had their work hours reduced to 0 so their income has also suffered but some managed to work from home while keeping their jobs. It's the roleplay community that I'm truly in awe though. We're apart and yet, we couldn't be closer. We hang out online as we did offline, even creating channels within our Discord server to maintain the feeling of the pub we met at. On my part I tried to entertain my fellow gamers by playing a game of Arkham Horror 3rd Edition and providing a commentary on what happened each turn in a story format. I probably won't be doing it again as I doubt it had the desired effect.

In other news, Artemis has caught one of my miniatures and utterly destroyed it so I'll be now keeping them in a box instead of on my work desk. Sadly, I haven't really managed to disconnect myself from the current situation to paint or play. Better luck next time...

Battle-damaged miniature

Week 1: Interesting Times

The Plague is upon us

These are truly exceptional times we're living in.

Countries around the world are closing borders so a lot of people are now stranded even though repatriation flights are being negotiated. Over in the UK people have gone crazy with shopping. When I've been to the shop last week, the shelves were empty of toilet paper, rice and pasta. Fortunately, I reguarly make sure I've got enough to not run out of any so that has hardly affected me.

In general, I think this situation is affecting me the least. My routine barely changed since the population has been recommended to cut social contact. This is the time when being an introvert aids you significantly. Even the gym is much more comfortable since they implemented measures for social distancing. Every other machine had a sign not to use it and the number of gym-goers saw a drastic reduction. I have to say, I enjoyed not having many people around me for once.

Sadly, this couldn't have lasted. The government ordered gyms to be closed so no more working out for me. This follows a string of cancellations this week. I've been getting emails from the various venues I visit informing us of closures until further notice. The Brighton Roleplay Club moved its meetings online for the time being with regular games being suspended. I know they're setting up online gaming but I don't feel like participating.

With so many people struggling, I'm trying to keep up with my friends and see if they're in need. Some had their hours reduced to zero so are struggling financially. I'm worried about work myself as with people not travelling, it will affect the company I work at. I hope it won't come to that but these are uncertain times. I'm told shops and supermarkets are overwhelmed and are now looking for additional staff so in the event I lose a job, I might get something to make ends meet for a while.

My current situation at work is that, as many other workplaces, the office is moving people to work from home, albeit in waves. For the time being, I'm still going to the office to work. I can't say I mind. Somehow I prefer to work in a different environment than my own home.

Shopping this week has been even more difficult. I noticed meat in low supply at the local supermarket, which is worrying, but I managed to snag the last pack of chicken breasts so I will be fine for next week. They have now implemented members of staff to control queues and direct them to appropriate ones so people with shopping trolleys don't use basket checkouts. They also move people out so as to create a break in a queue so people aren't blocking each other. I think they should also implement some traffic control in the ailes as I've had to avoid being slammed into twice while there.

They have removed the donation basket for charities as people were taking stuff out of it. I did not manage to get any fresh eggs and, most surpring of all, they nearly run out of kitten food. I only got one box of kitten wet food and had to buy some adult dry food for Artemis. It's not ideal but we'll persevere.

Climbing Back Up

The first month of this year has not been a kind one. Between dealing with post-Christmas depression, getting sick and stressing over the probation period at work, I got very little done in January.

It always takes me a while to get back on track after that hole that the Holiday season leaves. Life simply stops and inertia settles in. It feels like it took me a lot longer to even start getting back on my feet this yes. It's already February and I've only now gotten myself to the dojo and prepared meals that go with my workout routine. I've been to dance class too, after months of absence. I haven't touched the violin nor painted in a month, I suppose.

I blame my job partly for this. I have been put onto a Monday to Friday rotation as part of some additional training which was too much for me to adjust to for a few weeks. It's done now so I can work on slowly regaining my equilibrium.

At least my gaming life is going well. I'm playing regularly, albeit without any set schedule, and I've started running a game again. It's great fun and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I'm often told that I'm doing a lot and that I spread myself thin. Thing is, I don't have great dreams related to my activities. I simply enjoy doing them for what they are and not where they lead. I do what I can whenever I can... fighting against my predisposition to inaction and retreat...

All these things I mentioned and a few more are parts of life I enjoy so turning my back to them doesn't make me any happier. I feel much better when I live life to the fullest rather than let it pass by...

Dusting off

Has it really been over a year since I've posted anything?
Why yes, it was... not that anyone is actually reading.
I've stopped advertising the link to this place ages ago...

Despite the long break, the blog has been on my mind. I simply haven't been up to writing about life through the year but I think I finally calmed down and found enough equilibrium to actually think about what has been going on in my little corner of life.

It has been a time of significant change.

It started at the very beginning of this year when I've been feeling stale. I focued a lot on socialising the year before but those attempts failed. I wanted to get out of the work culture I was in at the time because it was dragging me down. The focus on alcohol, parties and sex fostered a sense of isolation and rejection that chipped away at my self-worth.

I wanted to change that but when searching for connections and understanding, someone would inevitably ask me what I do for a living and that turned my demeanor sombre. I felt trapped. Eventually, I stopped going to the few events I was interested in.

As I couldn't find my place socially, I thought I'll try to find it professionally. At the end of my teaching course, we were told that the best time to seek employment with schools is at the beginning of the year because it's when they start planning for the Easter and Summer periods. I wrote a cover letter, printed it and my CV out and mailed it to every school in town. I've had a lot of rejections but I also had an interview that I passed.

I was nervous but happy to teach for a week in March and throughout June and July. It was an interesting experience and a step in the right direction for me. My retail job was very understanding. They let me have as much time off as I could so I was teaching Monday to Friday and working at my old job one day over the weekend. Some weeks were very difficult to go through and I had to stop with my regular weekly activities during that time... but I survived...

Then my friend told me they were looking for new people to work in her office. I was unsure at first but in the end I decided to risk it and apply. Suffice to say I got the job and it has done wonders for me. I feel that my skills are put to good use, my financial situation is progressively improving and I'm overall a lot more productive lately. I'm not as tired after getting home as I used to be.

 

Life, however, is not all about work. I now have a cat at home so I'm finally a responsible adult with a job that finances my care of my baby. Having her around makes all the difference. On average I'm feeling less down than before I had her.

My gaming life has also improved, somehow. I'm meeting friends for games a lot more often. There are even times when it's so often I need to stop myself. Even buying materials for them (card sleeves, bags, storage boxes, paint, etc.) is not as much of a financial strain as it used to be.

It truly feels like things have improved...

It's never pretty...

I'll just cut to the chase...

I broke down recently.

It's difficult to describe the experience after the fact.

I remember not being able to concentrate. I was mostly on auto-pilot, not thinking what I was doing. I kept asking myself what happened a few seconds ago because I constantly forgot slight details. I retreated away from people partly because I didn't have enough strength to socialise and partly because I could barely hold myself together. After a few hours I simply broke down crying and had to leave work early in disgrace.

I got home, ordered a pizza and just spent the evening sitting in a dark room.

Sadly, I brought myself to this state through my own stupidity.

The week prior to this I planned too many social events to go to.

First was an evening at a restaurant with some girls from work. I like restaurants because unlike going out to drink or clubs, they don't stress me out. I thought spending some time with people from work would be a welcome change but I was wrong. As the evening progressed and we ate and drunk, the conversation we were having took a turn onto recent relationship. The ladies told of their most recent romantic situations but when my turn came, I admitted with a heavy heart that I've never been in a relationship. I was met with disbelief and told that I was lying as a way to wiggle myself out of the subject at hand. I was too hurt from hearing this to argue and I didn't want to lash out as I was there due to an invitation so I let it slide and continued with the evening.

The following day I was still upset over what had happened. I talked to some friends about it which helped calm me down but as I got home from work, the latent feelings of being unloved kept resurfacing. I was supposed to go to a new gaming event held in town, meet new people and have some fun with my favourite hobby. I felt terrible with myself and started considering if it wouldn't be more prudent to stay in and deal with my emotions before tackling another social event. At the last moment, I decided I didn't want other people's words to define what I do with my life so I got myself ready to head out.

It was raining as I walked there so I wasn't expecting a lot of people to show up. When I got to the pub, I didn't see anyone playing any hobby games. I could only see groups of people having a drink and a chat with nothing to tell me they were here to game. Leaving the house already took a lot out of me so I had very little courage left to come up to strangers and ask about their reasons for being there. I stayed for a bit but as nothing changed, I went back home a failure.

The very next day, at work, I took another hit. I'm often approached and asked questions about English, that day was no different. One girl at work was preparing for an exam so I was going over example speaking exercises with her and giving her some pointers on manner of speech and various phrases and vocabulary. I was asked a lot of questions but the last one was the hardest.

I don't even remember what it was about specifically. I only remember her best friend exploding in my face. I was accused of not trying to understand her, that the sentence was easy and I was just being mean, nitpicky and showing off my superiority. The truth was that at that point I was already emotionally exhausted and after being awake for fourteen hours, physical fatigue made it difficult focusing on anything around me. I had trouble thinking and processing information but those words hit me hard. There I was trying to help but was outright shouted at for doing more harm than good.

The effect this had on me must have been visible because as I was leaving, they were explaining what happened to leave me in such a state to the supervisor but I just calmly walked past them on my way out and headed home.

It was a difficult weekend but these things happen. Normally, I would cancel any remaining plans and stay by myself for several days but one of my good friends had a birthday party later that week and I've already got everything ready for it. I didn't want to disappoint her especially since she is one of the few people who have helped me through some hardships over the years.

We went to a sushi place and then for drinks to a pub. Throughout the evening up to early night, I tried to hide away my emotional state and stay strong and upbeat. I was engaging with people by sharing trivia and making some inconsequential comments from time to time. I managed to keep it up until shortly before the end when fatigue and loss of sobriety started to settle in. At that point I receeded into myself, as usual, but people went their separate ways shortly after.

Unfortunately, the day after, I found myself overwhelmed to such an extent that I couldn't bear it any more. In my daily life, I carry this feeling that I'm only ever wanted when I'm not myself. I always get the impression that the more I show myself, the more the chances of rejection grow. It didn't help that the day before I was actively going against myself because I always want to be there for others...

but I never try to be there for myself...

Lonesome

This morning I woke up from a sex dream.

Although most people I know enjoy having them, unfortunately, I do not.
They remind me of the part of having a relationship that I struggle with the most.

I suppose having one now is an aftereffect of how I've been feeling lately. Work has truly thrown a monkey wrench into my precarious social life. It was already quite hard keeping one up while dealing with shift-work, working weekends and my own high emotional sensitivity. Most times when I managed to find the time for socialising, I couldn't hold myself together for long and had to leave fairly early on. In recent weeks, however, I've been spending well over forty hours a week at work which not only cut into my social life but also started to erode my personal life.

I hadn't had time to quiet down so I ended up overwhelmed by loneliness and that recent feeling of being unloved. I'm not sure what exactly brought it up. I only remember snippets like going to the shop in the morning to get some stuff for breakfast and suddenly feeling sad that I can never do this for someone else. One moment I'm at work, everything is fine and then I'm drowning in sadness, barely capable of staying afloat.

When my recently acquired friends saw me, they tried to reach out but that only made matters worse. Paradoxically, when I'm feeling particularly lonely, what I truly require is solitude. It's nigh impossible for me to explain to people how alone I feel in a crowd so when I ask to be ignored, people refuse to do so, out of compassion, and I proceed to lose hold of myself even further.

I feel trapped by my work hours preventing me from developing professionally and socially, to such an extent that it's taking its toll on my psyche.

A Moment of Respite

I swear, every time I plan to post here regularly, something inevitably stops me from engaging in blogging... but that's a subject for another topic.

I would much rather begin by stating that I've recently been on nearly a month worth of holidays and despite not going anywhere beyond the city limits, I had quite an enjoyable time. Since returning to work I found that people are shocked to hear I didn't go abroad as they believe there is nothing to do in Brighton.

That's certainly not true.

I love this city specifically because there is a myriad of activities you can engage in provided you've got the time and means, which my time away from work gave me plenty of. Here are some highlights from those weeks.

The Good

Let's start with some good points first before moving on to the worse aspects of these eventful weeks.

I've attended all my usual classes and activities without feeling that I'm overexerting myself. Attempting to have a life beyond sitting at home while working six days a week can get difficult so a period of time when I could do everything at my own pace was a nice change.

I can't believe how social I've been. Other than my regular outing to the RP Club, I've met with people from the club for lunch and had days spent playing games with them. I've been hanging out with various friends, even working out with some at the gym.

I've played an insane amount of games. I finally started Apocrypha, a game I've been looking forward to playing since 2015! (Its release was delayed a lot.) I've had people over to play with, I went to people's places to game and I even played in a gaming shop.

Despite never considering myself a social person, I ended up with day after day of spending time with other people. It was a crazy ride but I can't say I regret it. One of my friends even invited me to a sword fighting class which I attended three of. I did not think I would enjoy practicing with a longsword so much that I'd like to go there more regularly.

The most important bit of news, however, is that during this recent holiday period I've finally received my citizenship so now I'm officially British... and thus, I can legally drink copious amounts of tea.

The Bad

As busy as I was throughout those weeks, I haven't done as much as I've planned on doing.

Areas of my living space suffer from neglect and disorganisation, I intended to do some spring cleaning but failed to get round to it. I wanted to go over my finances and do some adjustments based on my spending habits as evidenced by the pile of receipts I haven't typed into my Excel sheet. While I tried some new recipes, it was nowhere to the extent I was going for and even my miniatures went untouched by my brush. I couldn't focus on reading nor did I have the creative energy to pour into blogging and roleplay session write-ups.

I thought that having three weekends off, I could go to some sewing classes that they usually hold on Saturdays but I couldn't muster enough energy to start something new. Instead, I went to a Character Design Workshop that lasted a few hours but I was fairly disappointed by it. I didn't even open my jewellery making set which I didn't want to use for the past year as I was saving money and silver does consume money when you actively use it.

Before I move onto the next aspect of my holidays, I must preface it by admitting that I'm not an emotionally strong person. When the below happened, I broke down severely and couldn't always keep myself together. Especially when I was by myself. My failings over those weeks off stemmed mainly from this.

The Ugly

As I've mentioned previously, I've received British Citizenship. Over the course of my time off work, I was required to attend a ceremony to be presented and given said certificate. Since my parents helped me out financially get to this point, I invited them to the ceremony as guests. I did not hear from them for two weeks when I found out that they wouldn't be coming.

A few months back, during the change of the year, my dad contacted me about an issue he had. His previous employer didn't cover his parking receipt while he was driving the company's lorry. He asked me if it's legal, to which I replied that I didn't know. Later he sent me some legal webpages to read through which I couldn't fully understand because they required further contextual reference which I lack and because during the Christmas period I work very long hours, to the extent I had to leave work early one day because I started having trouble walking.

I didn't fix his issue which may have costed him £30.

My parents couldn't attend because my dad feels I'm ignoring him and acting as if he's not there. He's jealous of my relationship with my mother so she's no longer allowed to talk to me. The discussions with my mum that I had after finding this out were excruciating. I've always had a difficult relationship with my father. He's only ever tried contacting me when he needed something and when I couldn't deliver, he'd guilt trip me. There were years when we wouldn't speak until something serious happened, like his heart attack or his father's death, that got me to talk to him again... but no matter what, it always boiled down to me being treated like his personal assistant rather than a family member.

I seemingly couldn't explain this issue to my mother. She kept asking me to reach out to him, to make that first step towards having a better relationship between us, completely ignoring that I had done it three times already. I told her that all the things she was telling me I should have been hearing from him rather than simply being ordered around and disregarded as a person. When I suggested he should contact me, for once, to talk about how we can work on having a better relationship, I was told he wouldn't do that.

At that point, I felt completely shattered, even more so when I heard that nothing would have gone wrong if I had just done as I was told. As a child, I felt unwanted, and as an adult, I feel used and manipulated. Whenever I tried raising these issues, I was told that wasn't how I felt. While I would love to have a good relationship with my family, I no longer believe in one-sided relationships so I also had to let go of this one.

What is Your Quest?

I have noticed there are some misconceptions circulating about my nationality. While it's true that I've been working on becoming a British citizen, I am sadly not at the end of my quest yet.

Over the past few months I've made certain steps towards that goal. First of which was passing the Life in The UK exam, followed by applying for a Permanent Residency Permit. Both of which required a lot of time. I've spent a month preparing for the exam, a week filling up a form for the permit and two months waiting for a decision to be made. It all went well enough. I expected to wait half a year for the permit but I got it in less than half the time which allowed me to visit my godson for his first communion ceremony. My main hurdle at the moment is money.

I've been saving money for it for the past year. Due to that trip I had to spend some of it so my plan to get it done by the holiday season didn't pan out. The fee going up by three times what I expected this year didn't help either. So a few weeks ago I sat down to make some calculations. Turns out that going by my usual rate I'll have enough money saved up for it in March.

As such, my main concern now is to cut down my expenses so I can get it over with as soon as possible. Currently, my plan is to cut down on my usual expenses so I can hit my target sooner than March. I've already made some decisions to achieve that.

- Reluctantly, I broke my promise to a good friend to visit her in Amsterdam this year.
- I won't be doing anything for my birthday in November nor for Christmas as in previous years.
- I'm suspending my dojo membership for the next three months.

All of the above should net me three months worth of savings and if I receive back the money I lent out to a friend, I'll have another month worth of savings to add to that.

It still won't let me reach my goal by October but my mum wanted to give me the money I'm missing. I refused to take any, obviously, but we talked about it some and reached an agreement where I would borrow money from her after the summer holidays. Hopefully, I'll manage to spend as much time at work as possible over the coming months, boosting my income in the process so I won't be forced to borrow as much from my mum as she's offering to give me.

Cutting Down

For the past few months I've been logging in on Facebook, going down my Friend List and clicking the unfriend button on someone. I would do this on a small scale every year after my birthday but this time I decided to go through all my social networks, Facebook being the last stop.

I'd like to be more open online like I used to be, especially now that I'm putting up a front in my day-to-day life. In order to do that though, I have to ensure that only a select group of people has viewing privileges.

I've never been a party person. Although it seemed to me to be a well-known fact, it kept being ignored. I was constantly subjected to endless questioning and dismissal in my attempts to explain why I take no enjoyment in the same activities as most. Despite it, my wishes went ignored and I kept being damaged by so-called friends who thought they were doing me a favour by trying to fix me.

I was tired of dealing with it.

I thought that maybe if I go out a few times, drink some, start lying about having fun but my finances dwindling too much because of it, I'll be able to get some peace at work. It worked, in a way. I no longer feel like I'm being dragged out against my will when I decline an offer.


I'm not happy that I had to resort to outright lying to people and I have to admit, being so closed up these days is having severe negative effects on me.

I broke down last week.
I spent a whole day mostly in bed and in tears.
Today I managed to keep myself together for half a day, at least.

I guess I'm still struggling to find a balance to this new way of life.

Shame

I wasn't feeling well this past weekend.

It was odd as I had an entire day to myself before going to work over the weekend but until Sunday evening, I had the impression I would simply fall over. I don't know what came over me.

Earlier that week I broke down completely, cancelled nearly all my regular outings and stayed at home for two days. That was because I had two very long and stressful weeks at work prior to those days. I thought I managed to sort myself out. I went to dancing yesterday and I was just about to go practice ninpo today when that ever present feeling of shame overcame me. I could hardly get myself to do anything. I ended up spending most of the day just watching Naruto Shippūden.

Although I'm fairly fond of anime, I don't enjoy days like this. I've been feeling emotionally weak lately and, these days, it seems harder for me to pull myself back together. Most days I manage to bottle up my feelings of shame and go out into the world despite them crawling along after me.

I'm truly ashamed of the way I am, of what I enjoy and of what I dislike. At times like these, I'd love to talk to someone but I know full well that most of my friends and family would be more than happy to see me give up on my activities and spend my time in front of the telly instead.

I know they mean well; that they think I would do better in life if I had more numbers on my bank account, that I'm overextending myself or simply not enjoying what life has to offer. Despite knowing their intent, it still hurts when I'm being laughed at for enjoying something else, for feeling stressed out by engaging in their form of entertainment and for being different.

I'm not proud of what I do and enjoy. I only started applying myself in a variety of fields because I decided I deserve to enjoy life as everyone else. Just because I enjoy different things, doesn't mean I shouldn't do them.

I can say in all honesty that I'd rather be the sort of person who likes to go out and get drunk with people but no matter how much I try, it stresses me out to such an extent that I eventually break down mentally.

I try to distance myself from people so I don't have to deal so much with feeling worse in comparison to them when I'm being asked to go out but there are still moments when their best efforts get to me and it becomes too much to deal with.