Week 3: The Great Outdoors

I went to the store this week prepared for the worst. I took a book with me to have something to read as I stood in the queue to enter the shop. Somehow, the queue moved rapidly and I hardly noticed being in it. The store staff worked well on moving people along and letting people in as soon as others left the store. I wish shoppers would organise as well!

You could tell things were different. The floor was made into zones with a clever use of duck tape and each had an arrow pointing out the direction shoppers should go. This was to implement social distancing and to keep people 2 meters away from each other. However, the theme of this week has been ignorance.

I tried to keep to the designated space I was in, waiting for people in front of me to move along but after several other shoppers going past myself, reaching shelves over my cart and going the opposite way, I too gave up on social distancing. I didn't want to spend an additional hour, trying to follow the rules which others made it difficult to try. Imagine waiting for the person in front of you to pick something off the shelf and move further along, only for that lady to move into your space and browse the shelves. I could either ignore her or move back. All in all, at one point it felt I was the only one doing my part.

Sadly, even when going to and from the shop, you could see people blatantly ignoring the lockdown. During this period you're not supposed to venture outside unless necessary. I can understand seeing a person with a backpack on a bike, clearly going to the shop, but instead I saw a family of four going for a bike ride around town. I walked past some teens filming their parkour session on some steps. There were elderly people casually sitting on public benches having a smoke or beverage from a paper cup.

We're supposed to limit the spread of this virus by staying at home and practicing social distancing but instead we've got groups of people who think it's best to go to the beach or park because the weather is nicer outside. If only this virus could have been more considerate and strike in winter when everyone was indoors to begin with.

In other news, I'm feeling loads better and am in the process of putting life back together. I have finally disassembled my desktop and cleaned all the fans of dust. I had to go to the garden to do it and took Artemis with me. She was a bit overwhelmed and I had to tie her up to a tree as she was not fond of the sound the can with compressed air was making.

The idea for next week is to continue with sorting myself and the flat out.

Week 2: Socially Distant

That would be me in a nutshell

This week has brought in some significant changes. I was having a sneezing fit over the weekened which iritated my throat enough that I also started coughing so in the midst of this plague, I decided to call in sick and give myself a day more to recover. I mainly wanted to avoid scaring people, especially after senior management told me I shouldn't be in the office if I sneeze last week.

It wasn't long until I received an email informing me of being made redundant due to the decrease in cases caused by countries around Europe closing their borders. I wasn't the only one as I was soon added to a WhatsApp group among others to discuss this matter and further steps. I had to sadly explain that the government scheme to cover 80% of employee wages wasn't paid directly to individuals but to companies who would decide to keep their staff and pay them as normal, thus reducing employee costs to 20% for the corporate body. The only real remedy here is Universal Credit but as many people are finding out, it's hard to get through to them because their workload has suddenly sky-rocketed amid many companies closing.

The main thing is that this is the same week we were being paid this month so I still got a decent paycheck and my unspent holiday allowance. My landlady also said she's flexible with rent because this pandemic is hitting everyone. For the time being, I'm doing well financially so I hope I'll weather this storm somewhat. There's even possibility of re-employment if the situation changes.

All in all, it has been an odd week. The government suggested people stay at home and practice social distancing in order to inhibit the spread of this disease. Apparently that means going out only once a week for grocery shopping, avoiding close proximity with other people and using self-checkouts... so my usual way of life, I guess.

When I heard all this, my first thought was surprise at learning people buy groceries more than once a week. I though I do it too often because I've got a small fridge so I can't store much in it. To be fair, I am spending more time indoors now as the places I regularly go to are closed until further notice. Brighton Dancing has cancelled all their events, the dojo and gym closed their doors and my violin teacher is not giving lessons until the quarantine is lifted. Judging from the internet memes, I am taking this isolation a lot better than most people.

A sense of humour, these people have

It feels like this week truly sped by. I wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary as my routine has been suddenly changed and that throws me out of whack significantly. I ventured outside only to pick up my book from the office and to buy some groceries. When I reached the main Tesco, I saw they were implementing social distancing measures in the form of limiting the number of shoppers inside and keeping the rest in a queue with people spaced out. It was an enormous queue. I couldn't get myself to stand there and wait until it moved so I went to a smaller store in a different area.

Last week our roleplaying decided to move online. There was a drive to get me a new headset because my current webcam was giving people too much static so I couldn't join in. I rejected offers for it and for a software called Tabletop Simulator. Eventually though, it was gifted to me by a member and upon deliberations, I ordered a headset. I didn't want to get one initially as I didn't think it was essential and with loss of income, spending money has to be tight but as schools are now providing lessons online, I would need better equipment to do cover work.

The horror! The Arkham!

I kept checking on my friends, to see how they're doing in these difficult times. Many have had their work hours reduced to 0 so their income has also suffered but some managed to work from home while keeping their jobs. It's the roleplay community that I'm truly in awe though. We're apart and yet, we couldn't be closer. We hang out online as we did offline, even creating channels within our Discord server to maintain the feeling of the pub we met at. On my part I tried to entertain my fellow gamers by playing a game of Arkham Horror 3rd Edition and providing a commentary on what happened each turn in a story format. I probably won't be doing it again as I doubt it had the desired effect.

In other news, Artemis has caught one of my miniatures and utterly destroyed it so I'll be now keeping them in a box instead of on my work desk. Sadly, I haven't really managed to disconnect myself from the current situation to paint or play. Better luck next time...

Battle-damaged miniature

Week 1: Interesting Times

The Plague is upon us

These are truly exceptional times we're living in.

Countries around the world are closing borders so a lot of people are now stranded even though repatriation flights are being negotiated. Over in the UK people have gone crazy with shopping. When I've been to the shop last week, the shelves were empty of toilet paper, rice and pasta. Fortunately, I reguarly make sure I've got enough to not run out of any so that has hardly affected me.

In general, I think this situation is affecting me the least. My routine barely changed since the population has been recommended to cut social contact. This is the time when being an introvert aids you significantly. Even the gym is much more comfortable since they implemented measures for social distancing. Every other machine had a sign not to use it and the number of gym-goers saw a drastic reduction. I have to say, I enjoyed not having many people around me for once.

Sadly, this couldn't have lasted. The government ordered gyms to be closed so no more working out for me. This follows a string of cancellations this week. I've been getting emails from the various venues I visit informing us of closures until further notice. The Brighton Roleplay Club moved its meetings online for the time being with regular games being suspended. I know they're setting up online gaming but I don't feel like participating.

With so many people struggling, I'm trying to keep up with my friends and see if they're in need. Some had their hours reduced to zero so are struggling financially. I'm worried about work myself as with people not travelling, it will affect the company I work at. I hope it won't come to that but these are uncertain times. I'm told shops and supermarkets are overwhelmed and are now looking for additional staff so in the event I lose a job, I might get something to make ends meet for a while.

My current situation at work is that, as many other workplaces, the office is moving people to work from home, albeit in waves. For the time being, I'm still going to the office to work. I can't say I mind. Somehow I prefer to work in a different environment than my own home.

Shopping this week has been even more difficult. I noticed meat in low supply at the local supermarket, which is worrying, but I managed to snag the last pack of chicken breasts so I will be fine for next week. They have now implemented members of staff to control queues and direct them to appropriate ones so people with shopping trolleys don't use basket checkouts. They also move people out so as to create a break in a queue so people aren't blocking each other. I think they should also implement some traffic control in the ailes as I've had to avoid being slammed into twice while there.

They have removed the donation basket for charities as people were taking stuff out of it. I did not manage to get any fresh eggs and, most surpring of all, they nearly run out of kitten food. I only got one box of kitten wet food and had to buy some adult dry food for Artemis. It's not ideal but we'll persevere.

Climbing Back Up

The first month of this year has not been a kind one. Between dealing with post-Christmas depression, getting sick and stressing over the probation period at work, I got very little done in January.

It always takes me a while to get back on track after that hole that the Holiday season leaves. Life simply stops and inertia settles in. It feels like it took me a lot longer to even start getting back on my feet this yes. It's already February and I've only now gotten myself to the dojo and prepared meals that go with my workout routine. I've been to dance class too, after months of absence. I haven't touched the violin nor painted in a month, I suppose.

I blame my job partly for this. I have been put onto a Monday to Friday rotation as part of some additional training which was too much for me to adjust to for a few weeks. It's done now so I can work on slowly regaining my equilibrium.

At least my gaming life is going well. I'm playing regularly, albeit without any set schedule, and I've started running a game again. It's great fun and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I'm often told that I'm doing a lot and that I spread myself thin. Thing is, I don't have great dreams related to my activities. I simply enjoy doing them for what they are and not where they lead. I do what I can whenever I can... fighting against my predisposition to inaction and retreat...

All these things I mentioned and a few more are parts of life I enjoy so turning my back to them doesn't make me any happier. I feel much better when I live life to the fullest rather than let it pass by...

Dusting off

Has it really been over a year since I've posted anything?
Why yes, it was... not that anyone is actually reading.
I've stopped advertising the link to this place ages ago...

Despite the long break, the blog has been on my mind. I simply haven't been up to writing about life through the year but I think I finally calmed down and found enough equilibrium to actually think about what has been going on in my little corner of life.

It has been a time of significant change.

It started at the very beginning of this year when I've been feeling stale. I focued a lot on socialising the year before but those attempts failed. I wanted to get out of the work culture I was in at the time because it was dragging me down. The focus on alcohol, parties and sex fostered a sense of isolation and rejection that chipped away at my self-worth.

I wanted to change that but when searching for connections and understanding, someone would inevitably ask me what I do for a living and that turned my demeanor sombre. I felt trapped. Eventually, I stopped going to the few events I was interested in.

As I couldn't find my place socially, I thought I'll try to find it professionally. At the end of my teaching course, we were told that the best time to seek employment with schools is at the beginning of the year because it's when they start planning for the Easter and Summer periods. I wrote a cover letter, printed it and my CV out and mailed it to every school in town. I've had a lot of rejections but I also had an interview that I passed.

I was nervous but happy to teach for a week in March and throughout June and July. It was an interesting experience and a step in the right direction for me. My retail job was very understanding. They let me have as much time off as I could so I was teaching Monday to Friday and working at my old job one day over the weekend. Some weeks were very difficult to go through and I had to stop with my regular weekly activities during that time... but I survived...

Then my friend told me they were looking for new people to work in her office. I was unsure at first but in the end I decided to risk it and apply. Suffice to say I got the job and it has done wonders for me. I feel that my skills are put to good use, my financial situation is progressively improving and I'm overall a lot more productive lately. I'm not as tired after getting home as I used to be.

 

Life, however, is not all about work. I now have a cat at home so I'm finally a responsible adult with a job that finances my care of my baby. Having her around makes all the difference. On average I'm feeling less down than before I had her.

My gaming life has also improved, somehow. I'm meeting friends for games a lot more often. There are even times when it's so often I need to stop myself. Even buying materials for them (card sleeves, bags, storage boxes, paint, etc.) is not as much of a financial strain as it used to be.

It truly feels like things have improved...

It's never pretty...

I'll just cut to the chase...

I broke down recently.

It's difficult to describe the experience after the fact.

I remember not being able to concentrate. I was mostly on auto-pilot, not thinking what I was doing. I kept asking myself what happened a few seconds ago because I constantly forgot slight details. I retreated away from people partly because I didn't have enough strength to socialise and partly because I could barely hold myself together. After a few hours I simply broke down crying and had to leave work early in disgrace.

I got home, ordered a pizza and just spent the evening sitting in a dark room.

Sadly, I brought myself to this state through my own stupidity.

The week prior to this I planned too many social events to go to.

First was an evening at a restaurant with some girls from work. I like restaurants because unlike going out to drink or clubs, they don't stress me out. I thought spending some time with people from work would be a welcome change but I was wrong. As the evening progressed and we ate and drunk, the conversation we were having took a turn onto recent relationship. The ladies told of their most recent romantic situations but when my turn came, I admitted with a heavy heart that I've never been in a relationship. I was met with disbelief and told that I was lying as a way to wiggle myself out of the subject at hand. I was too hurt from hearing this to argue and I didn't want to lash out as I was there due to an invitation so I let it slide and continued with the evening.

The following day I was still upset over what had happened. I talked to some friends about it which helped calm me down but as I got home from work, the latent feelings of being unloved kept resurfacing. I was supposed to go to a new gaming event held in town, meet new people and have some fun with my favourite hobby. I felt terrible with myself and started considering if it wouldn't be more prudent to stay in and deal with my emotions before tackling another social event. At the last moment, I decided I didn't want other people's words to define what I do with my life so I got myself ready to head out.

It was raining as I walked there so I wasn't expecting a lot of people to show up. When I got to the pub, I didn't see anyone playing any hobby games. I could only see groups of people having a drink and a chat with nothing to tell me they were here to game. Leaving the house already took a lot out of me so I had very little courage left to come up to strangers and ask about their reasons for being there. I stayed for a bit but as nothing changed, I went back home a failure.

The very next day, at work, I took another hit. I'm often approached and asked questions about English, that day was no different. One girl at work was preparing for an exam so I was going over example speaking exercises with her and giving her some pointers on manner of speech and various phrases and vocabulary. I was asked a lot of questions but the last one was the hardest.

I don't even remember what it was about specifically. I only remember her best friend exploding in my face. I was accused of not trying to understand her, that the sentence was easy and I was just being mean, nitpicky and showing off my superiority. The truth was that at that point I was already emotionally exhausted and after being awake for fourteen hours, physical fatigue made it difficult focusing on anything around me. I had trouble thinking and processing information but those words hit me hard. There I was trying to help but was outright shouted at for doing more harm than good.

The effect this had on me must have been visible because as I was leaving, they were explaining what happened to leave me in such a state to the supervisor but I just calmly walked past them on my way out and headed home.

It was a difficult weekend but these things happen. Normally, I would cancel any remaining plans and stay by myself for several days but one of my good friends had a birthday party later that week and I've already got everything ready for it. I didn't want to disappoint her especially since she is one of the few people who have helped me through some hardships over the years.

We went to a sushi place and then for drinks to a pub. Throughout the evening up to early night, I tried to hide away my emotional state and stay strong and upbeat. I was engaging with people by sharing trivia and making some inconsequential comments from time to time. I managed to keep it up until shortly before the end when fatigue and loss of sobriety started to settle in. At that point I receeded into myself, as usual, but people went their separate ways shortly after.

Unfortunately, the day after, I found myself overwhelmed to such an extent that I couldn't bear it any more. In my daily life, I carry this feeling that I'm only ever wanted when I'm not myself. I always get the impression that the more I show myself, the more the chances of rejection grow. It didn't help that the day before I was actively going against myself because I always want to be there for others...

but I never try to be there for myself...

Lonesome

This morning I woke up from a sex dream.

Although most people I know enjoy having them, unfortunately, I do not.
They remind me of the part of having a relationship that I struggle with the most.

I suppose having one now is an aftereffect of how I've been feeling lately. Work has truly thrown a monkey wrench into my precarious social life. It was already quite hard keeping one up while dealing with shift-work, working weekends and my own high emotional sensitivity. Most times when I managed to find the time for socialising, I couldn't hold myself together for long and had to leave fairly early on. In recent weeks, however, I've been spending well over forty hours a week at work which not only cut into my social life but also started to erode my personal life.

I hadn't had time to quiet down so I ended up overwhelmed by loneliness and that recent feeling of being unloved. I'm not sure what exactly brought it up. I only remember snippets like going to the shop in the morning to get some stuff for breakfast and suddenly feeling sad that I can never do this for someone else. One moment I'm at work, everything is fine and then I'm drowning in sadness, barely capable of staying afloat.

When my recently acquired friends saw me, they tried to reach out but that only made matters worse. Paradoxically, when I'm feeling particularly lonely, what I truly require is solitude. It's nigh impossible for me to explain to people how alone I feel in a crowd so when I ask to be ignored, people refuse to do so, out of compassion, and I proceed to lose hold of myself even further.

I feel trapped by my work hours preventing me from developing professionally and socially, to such an extent that it's taking its toll on my psyche.