Sunday, 10 December 2006

Why do we fall?

On the way to classes, I sometimes get the chance to talk to the minibus driver. Last time he asked me what are my long term plans after I graduate, so I told him, and he was astonished that I already know exactly where I want to go with my life. He said that when he asks other students they say they don't know yet. He also told me I'm going to be glad I put a lot of my time into my studies. But as I see it, I'm just wasting my time... others go on parties, meet people, date people... I in the meantime just sit in my room with course books on my lap. Maybe I will get decent grades and a decent job... but that's not really what I want... those are just the means to the goal I strive for.

Unfortunately, since I had my first kiss, I don't know if I still want that. I'm not sure why, but I always thought a kiss would be something more than a pleasure... I thought a kiss is a symbol, of caring, of unity, of passion, of love... but the moment we stopped, it was as if the kiss never happened. It just doesn't feel right...

Heh, recently I came to the conclusion I might as well never loved anyone. I never even wanted to be with her, rather, I wanted her to want to be with me and be happy. And now that I hear she is happy with someone else, I don't feel any regret, any anger, nothing. But this is not how people my age should feel. I don't understand why do I have to be so different, why parties annoy me, why do I like reading academic books, why do I go on every single lecture, why do I try to get some sleep on Friday rather than go out clubbing...

I always liked being different, and I lived in hopes of finding someone with whom I could spend my life with, whom I could make happy... but since that day I had that first kiss, this hope was shattered. How can I love someone if I never experienced love? How can I make someone happy if I never am happy myself?

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