I recently looked through the posts I made during this year. Full of sorrow, doubt in my own abilities, hubris in my skills, that one time with the girl, my first job experience. I noticed I currently achieved one of my goals... a milestone one could say... I am in Higher Education.
I should say I am happy. But I'm not. I enjoy going to lectures, reading all the books, studying. And yet, there is no smile. I went to a pub with the people from my course, and like always, I felt false, because that's not who I am. During the weekends my neighbours constantly listen to music, that noise just doesn't allow me to concentrate on my studies, more so, they listen to music and have a huge number of CDs because of their age. I am the same age, and I never had the drive to listen to music, more so, I never got to anything people my age liked doing for fun... because it wasn't fun for me. When I did something that made me smile, when I told them what my hobbies are, when I asked them if they want to try doing something with me... I was met with laughter and exclusion from the social circle.
My grandmother once told me "What do you need friends for?" when as a 6 year old child I came home crying that no one wants to play with me. To an extent I have grown into a disconnected person. Don't get me wrong, I do treasure your friendship and I want to keep it going, that's probably why I keep on posting this much. But at the same time I know I am able to go away and never come back. Even now, I have to force myself to keep contact with the people back in my country. I don't even want to write letters to one person... but I made a promise... thus I write, even though she doesn't.
So what has been going on today. I had a warm bath, so warm my limbs turned red, how I love a nice warm bath. For some reason, when I got up, I felt dizzy and everything went black, I nearly fell to the floor but managed to retain my balance. I sat down on the chair and felt like vomiting. But then I got better...
Next was breakfast, I have no more meat. Then I had a few hours to relax on the internet. At this point, I have enough of all those "Happy" wishes... although Call's e-card was AWESOME!!! Then I started to go through the books for my lectures, and of course, my neighbours had to start to listen to music. You can't even begin to comprehend how frustrating for me it is to concentrate on reading while there is music playing in my ears. So I'm unprepared for tomorrow.
I also drunk some alcohol, sure it was little and weak, but while most people get happy and overjoyed with drinking, I get the opposite.