Saturday, 18 March 2006

Random Thoughts

I sit here, in front of the PC, all alone, my kitty is sleeping, it's dark, and it feels cold. But the window is closed, the door is closed, everything is closed... so cold. Somehow, it doesn't bother me, it's just days like this that I think too much... the teachers say thinking doesn't hurt, but they are wrong.

When I went to England, I found something I thought I don't possess. I started to believe in myself. People always told me I am good at English, but I knew they didn't knew English at all. It's only when someone who is by nature better than you, because he spoke that language since birth, because it's his only language, when such a person said "You're not English?", I started to believe in myself. I talked louder, I made jokes with strangers, I walked with pride, I felt different. I forgot about the truth.

But now... I know. I'm still flawed in one way. I'm too emotional. I don't get happy, I'm full of joy. I don't get sad, I get depressed. I don't get upset, I get mad. And I still have a lot of anger. I hate people. I remember what happened in previous schools, how they treated me. I don't know what forgiveness is, I don't want to know.

My friend came today, I showed him my kitty 'cos his girlfriend was wondering how is she. Nearly everyone in my class has someone else... When my mum asked me how large is my class, I told her "30, and me". I know I could be part of some group, but I can't. I'm a coward, I'm so afraid that I'll hurt someone, that I can't even start a relationship.

I have a chance, I could get into uni, get a degree, get a job, get a house... but it's not the chance I am waiting for... and I know, when the chance will come, I won't take it... I can't...

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