Saturday, 18 April 2015


There's something that's been on my mind for a while.

For the past few months I've been acting unlike myself.

I was going out, talking to people, I joined two WhatsApp groups composed mainly of people I know from work and whenever I was around anyone, I've been silly and put up a smile.

Everyone told me I was happy and way more positive than before. It's disheartening to experience how easily the people who you spend most of your time with are fooled.

I haven't been happy for a year now. Every time I hear people tell me different, I just get sadder internally. I didn't let it show, just pretended it's all right and tried to go on with life but it seems bottling up these emotions isn't working all that well for me.

It's always been hard for me to explain my feelings and my way of being to others because people don't seem to want to accept it. I know they want all the best for me but their words end up hurting me more than they help.

One guy introduced me to someone new, saying that I was cool and I never used to go out much but now they're working on me and I'm starting to get the Spanish spirit. Although I've been told that people accept me, when I hear words like that, all I can think of is how the person I appear to be is more valuable than the one I am.

I was told once that I have a lot of positive energy now; to which I replied that maybe I'm just very good at pretending. An assertion that seems to be correct since how I feel and how people around me think I feel is constantly at odds.

Then... there are the parties. I've been invited to some on several occassions. I went a few times, whenever I had the time but as usual, it never works out in my favour.

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