Thursday, 13 September 2012

A Stream of Thoughts...

Another summer went through and I'm still undecided on how I feel about it. Many things have happened... good and bad... over the period of many months...

I had some very serious problems with my father that caused a rift between me and my family. Anyone who knows will be aware that I hold family ties very dear to my heart. Unfortunately, the situation went so out of hand that I no longer felt safe in my own place. I guess I could say I got unused to it after I moved out so I felt like I'm taking a step backwards rather than forwards...

Nobody wants to go back to dark places...

It was horrible. I felt like I was a prisoner... and my only crime was that I wanted to help my family... but whatever I did was not enough because I refused to throw away the life I am building for myself... Once again, I started to fear going back home... my friends knew about it and tried to help me by just hanging out and chatting while I was waiting for my dad to just go to bed...

The gesture was nice and I am still grateful but it did cause problems of its own. I felt like I was with people 24/7 and that tires me out greatly. The extent of how terrible an effect it has on me I can only see now, after nearly five months of build-up.

Then I managed to get rid of my dad and my sister arrived for the summer. Last year our shifts at work were such that we didn't have a day off together, that changed this year. Although I knew it would be hard, I didn't have the heart to just make sure I would keep my contact with her to a minimum, especially since she was happy to have a chance to spend time with me. So I kept our shifts the way they were. stopped going to the Roleplay Club and ended up with no time to study...

I am generally unused to it, she usually just ignores me. I suspect she wanted to alleviate the tension that rose up with our father... and well, after we went through the most recent season of The Vampire Diaries, she lost interest...

I asked her to do things together. I suggested films, series and games for us both but she preferred to read comments on the net.

I suppose work was a bit better... I had a few annoyances with people telling me that what I'm doing with my free time is wrong and I should stop... I minimised contact with one really nice person because she kept saying things that hurt me... and I stopped talking to someone really annoying...

I also made the decision to stop drinking all together rather than having a cider now and then... so now I have to deal with people being even more obnoxious about my drinking habits...

As I said before, there were also good things. I started to give tuitions and people became very interested in me teaching them. I met a lot of wonderful people this year and I've been making changes to my life that I hope are for the best.

At one point my sister's laptop broke down and I couldn't bare seeing her unable to find something to do with herself. Since then I've been spending more time on my Xbox and while my Gamerscore did go up significantly, I lost my ability to order my thoughts. I didn't think about it back then... just like I didn't think not going to the gym for a week would cause insomnia... but it is what it is...

My mind is chaotic and labyrinthine... like the dreams of the Neverborn... to look into it can drive anyone insane... Now I realise that I do need to order my thoughts... I do need time alone, by myself, to either write down or contemplate things so I can function normally...

I did try to talk about what's going on with me... but I'm not a talker... I'm trying as hard as I can to go out and talk to people... and it's odd to hear someone say that I like to talk... after so many years spent in the silence of a grave... but talking is still stressful... I can teach, I can explain, I can guide but I doubt I have a good grasp of having a simple chat...

but I like to listen... and every time someone asks me for my opinion, taking me out of that comfortable state I'm in... my first thought is: ANGRIFF!!!

All of the above has built up in me to the extent that I keep acting in ways that are so far away from my norm... I no longer feel like myself... it has gotten to the point where I'm lashing out at anything and anyone... things that I would normally ignore cause me to erupt with uncontrollable rage...

I'm losing my cool too often...

but it's not the first time I'm at this stage...

I know what to do...

I'm just afraid I might not be able to...

well...

My sister is at work now...

and I'm here alone...

in silence as soft and gentle
as a wind sweeping ashes off the graves...
surrounded by the absence of light...
being consumed by nothingness...
and with only my heart...
counting down the last few moments...
...
...
...

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