Sunday, 6 May 2007

Party Time!!!

The weekend is nearly over, literally, and I'm sitting here waiting for my tea to cool down. I feel my eyelids shutting down but I don't want to go to sleep. Something is bothering me and it shows in my dreams.

I don't normally have nightmares, and I don't consider these to be such. I don't wake up in the middle of the night terrified and unable to go to sleep, but these dreams I have just show that something is bugging me.

I dream of confusing languages, trying to speak a specific one and being unable to do so. Other times I don't understand anyone. My mouth is shut so tight that my teeth begin to crumble or it's so wide that my cheeks are being slowly torn apart. All of these have a distinct theme going on, the one of speech, language, I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something. I'm worried, more than ever, about my future. I constantly look back and question the path I've chosen for myself.

It's funny because I always thought I'm doing the right thing. I went on with my education in order to have better chances of achieving a job with suitable wages to ensure a solid life for the family I would have. True, I never was the best pupil of them all, mostly because I didn't agree with the school system which wanted me to excel in everything even when I had clear views on what I want to do with my life. I might have been at the bottom when it came to History and Polish, in the middle in nearly all else, but I did my best in those subjects in which I saw a future for myself, foreign languages. Now I'm studying Linguistics, a subject which although hard, is something I do want to study. However, my plan was flawed from the beginning. People don't go forth with ensuring they have the needed knowledge to build a respectful family life, I was probably the only one in my age group to even think about it.

Eh, it took me half of a lifetime, about 10 years to see how foolish I was. To think that first comes responsibility and duty, to believe in fate that the person I am destined to be with would find me as I would find her, that I would give her my first kiss and live together from then on.
It's a stupid belief, one which could only be taken by a kid in early primary school, a child like me.

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