Wednesday, 28 February 2007

Life or lack thereof

I haven't eaten in a few days. My mum told me to watch out for myself because there was a case in the news about a man not eating well whose heart gave up because of it. I hope to end up like that.

This is kinda bad because I know I shouldn't think like that. There are people who don't want to see me dead. There are games online that I run and I don't want to disappoint anyone by suddenly disappearing from the face of the earth. There are things I'd like to write. Debts to be paid. But I'd like to have a reason to live above what I create. Currently, it's all just obligations, I can't think of anything that I want to do.

I like roleplaying, I like studying, I like writing. So what? I just come closer and closer to the realisation that I can't change my life. I can't for the love of God go to the pub with people my age, and I can't expect I'd be able to relate to people older than my parents. I can't really find anything that I do for the sake of enjoyment.

I hate it when people tell me how fun it had to be to go back to Poland for the two off weeks. While I hated it. I wanted to take a break for those weeks and I couldn't because of all that, and now it's back to studying. I don't have a problem with studying, but I can't help wanting to rest for a while. I hate it when people say how bad it is to go back to studying, while I enjoy each lecture to the extent where I can't stand those days I don't have any.

In summary, it's as if I was a totally different person than everyone else. This individuality has never been so much of a burden before. I think it was worse when I first came to England and saw that even in a cosmopolitan country, where many people have foreign ancestry, there still is place for nationalism. The same thing I saw back home. The same thing I wanted to leave behind, to live in a better place. Now however, it seems like there is no such thing.

I have enough of it when people tell me how jealous they are of me. That I am brilliant, highly mature, trustworthy, honest. That I have a great future before me. A future which I don't want to have. I never cared about money. I don't need the toys and books. They are just distractions so that I don't need to think at least for a while about the downfall. How in other words is it possible to describe a life of nothing but work and obligations? Yet I know that ignorance isn't the right way, it won't make things disappear. I curse that knowledge, and the fact I remain strong in my faith. That I try to look up whatever happens, and never give up. But I'm tired, of this life, of this existence of nothing but work.

I want to curl up and die.

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