It's never pretty...

I'll just cut to the chase...

I broke down recently.

It's difficult to describe the experience after the fact.

I remember not being able to concentrate. I was mostly on auto-pilot, not thinking what I was doing. I kept asking myself what happened a few seconds ago because I constantly forgot slight details. I retreated away from people partly because I didn't have enough strength to socialise and partly because I could barely hold myself together. After a few hours I simply broke down crying and had to leave work early in disgrace.

I got home, ordered a pizza and just spent the evening sitting in a dark room.

Sadly, I brought myself to this state through my own stupidity.

The week prior to this I planned too many social events to go to.

First was an evening at a restaurant with some girls from work. I like restaurants because unlike going out to drink or clubs, they don't stress me out. I thought spending some time with people from work would be a welcome change but I was wrong. As the evening progressed and we ate and drunk, the conversation we were having took a turn onto recent relationship. The ladies told of their most recent romantic situations but when my turn came, I admitted with a heavy heart that I've never been in a relationship. I was met with disbelief and told that I was lying as a way to wiggle myself out of the subject at hand. I was too hurt from hearing this to argue and I didn't want to lash out as I was there due to an invitation so I let it slide and continued with the evening.

The following day I was still upset over what had happened. I talked to some friends about it which helped calm me down but as I got home from work, the latent feelings of being unloved kept resurfacing. I was supposed to go to a new gaming event held in town, meet new people and have some fun with my favourite hobby. I felt terrible with myself and started considering if it wouldn't be more prudent to stay in and deal with my emotions before tackling another social event. At the last moment, I decided I didn't want other people's words to define what I do with my life so I got myself ready to head out.

It was raining as I walked there so I wasn't expecting a lot of people to show up. When I got to the pub, I didn't see anyone playing any hobby games. I could only see groups of people having a drink and a chat with nothing to tell me they were here to game. Leaving the house already took a lot out of me so I had very little courage left to come up to strangers and ask about their reasons for being there. I stayed for a bit but as nothing changed, I went back home a failure.

The very next day, at work, I took another hit. I'm often approached and asked questions about English, that day was no different. One girl at work was preparing for an exam so I was going over example speaking exercises with her and giving her some pointers on manner of speech and various phrases and vocabulary. I was asked a lot of questions but the last one was the hardest.

I don't even remember what it was about specifically. I only remember her best friend exploding in my face. I was accused of not trying to understand her, that the sentence was easy and I was just being mean, nitpicky and showing off my superiority. The truth was that at that point I was already emotionally exhausted and after being awake for fourteen hours, physical fatigue made it difficult focusing on anything around me. I had trouble thinking and processing information but those words hit me hard. There I was trying to help but was outright shouted at for doing more harm than good.

The effect this had on me must have been visible because as I was leaving, they were explaining what happened to leave me in such a state to the supervisor but I just calmly walked past them on my way out and headed home.

It was a difficult weekend but these things happen. Normally, I would cancel any remaining plans and stay by myself for several days but one of my good friends had a birthday party later that week and I've already got everything ready for it. I didn't want to disappoint her especially since she is one of the few people who have helped me through some hardships over the years.

We went to a sushi place and then for drinks to a pub. Throughout the evening up to early night, I tried to hide away my emotional state and stay strong and upbeat. I was engaging with people by sharing trivia and making some inconsequential comments from time to time. I managed to keep it up until shortly before the end when fatigue and loss of sobriety started to settle in. At that point I receeded into myself, as usual, but people went their separate ways shortly after.

Unfortunately, the day after, I found myself overwhelmed to such an extent that I couldn't bear it any more. In my daily life, I carry this feeling that I'm only ever wanted when I'm not myself. I always get the impression that the more I show myself, the more the chances of rejection grow. It didn't help that the day before I was actively going against myself because I always want to be there for others...

but I never try to be there for myself...