Shame

I wasn't feeling well this past weekend.

It was odd as I had an entire day to myself before going to work over the weekend but until Sunday evening, I had the impression I would simply fall over. I don't know what came over me.

Earlier that week I broke down completely, cancelled nearly all my regular outings and stayed at home for two days. That was because I had two very long and stressful weeks at work prior to those days. I thought I managed to sort myself out. I went to dancing yesterday and I was just about to go practice ninpo today when that ever present feeling of shame overcame me. I could hardly get myself to do anything. I ended up spending most of the day just watching Naruto Shippūden.

Although I'm fairly fond of anime, I don't enjoy days like this. I've been feeling emotionally weak lately and, these days, it seems harder for me to pull myself back together. Most days I manage to bottle up my feelings of shame and go out into the world despite them crawling along after me.

I'm truly ashamed of the way I am, of what I enjoy and of what I dislike. At times like these, I'd love to talk to someone but I know full well that most of my friends and family would be more than happy to see me give up on my activities and spend my time in front of the telly instead.

I know they mean well; that they think I would do better in life if I had more numbers on my bank account, that I'm overextending myself or simply not enjoying what life has to offer. Despite knowing their intent, it still hurts when I'm being laughed at for enjoying something else, for feeling stressed out by engaging in their form of entertainment and for being different.

I'm not proud of what I do and enjoy. I only started applying myself in a variety of fields because I decided I deserve to enjoy life as everyone else. Just because I enjoy different things, doesn't mean I shouldn't do them.

I can say in all honesty that I'd rather be the sort of person who likes to go out and get drunk with people but no matter how much I try, it stresses me out to such an extent that I eventually break down mentally.

I try to distance myself from people so I don't have to deal so much with feeling worse in comparison to them when I'm being asked to go out but there are still moments when their best efforts get to me and it becomes too much to deal with.

Black March

Well... Black March has started... if you're anything like me you've been hearing about protests over internet censorship for the better part of the past two months. If you're not, then this image should help.

Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA)
Protect Intellectual Property Act (PIPA) and
Anti-Counterfeiting Trade Agreement (ACTA)

All really nice words and ideas... sadly a name is not what makes a law. Most people don't even look into what is incorporated into those words. I can't say I do either but I do know that just from looking at the public, it's not a welcomed change. Alas, most people don't care to look beyond the names.

My main issue with them is that they allow for taking down websites based solely on allegation. I was shocked when I found people who thought it was a good idea. I can understand their thinking in a way, allegation is the first step in prosecution but there's a lot of other steps between that and deciding whether the accused is guilty or not. These acts simply give organisations the ability to decide whether a website is illegal or not based solely on their own decision. This in turn gives an organisation a very scary ability. It is now allowed to define what is right and wrong and always be right about it, without anyone having the right to argue their point.

What I found even more shocking is how some have said that while they can understand this point of view, this would not happen because an organisation of power would not abuse such power. This is a fair point since no organisation of power has ever been known to abuse their power.

I'm not really sure when reading George Orwell has stopped being a mandatory lecture in schools but apparently it did happen... either that or someone wasn't paying attention.

No, I don't see any of these as good ideas. They are a clear attack on culture, an attempt to stop people from engaging in it. Copyrighted material is used in speech constantly, talking about films and literature is a past-time between friends, modifying a still from a film as a form of a joke is funny, adding a clip from a film to your video review of it is expected by the viewers, drawing a character from a cartoon with your own hands is what makes people awe yet all of these are apparently illegal and you should be given a five year sentence to serve in prison for putting people out of their job.

This is really what this is about. The companies in the entertainment industry see their profits going down so they lobby to get laws like this passed. They think that by making it illegal for people to engage in their own culture, people will have no choice but to buy the culture they are producing. It doesn't matter whether the product they are giving is better or worse than the one someone else would offer, it only matters that the money goes to them.

So I think this Black March would be a good idea. I do actually like having books and DVDs. Enough so that I buy some on a monthly basis with the disposable income I have. I do want to support the people who are making the things I enjoy but then I am suddenly not allowed to even talk about it. It just doesn't make sense.

I did read an article once about how piracy has changed the entertainment industry. It argued that due to people downloading films, the movie industry doesn't want to invest in productions that they deem risky. In turn this causes the industry to invest in remakes and sequels. While this does make sense from a logical standpoint, it's just not the sort of impression I get from people. Whenever I talk about films, one of the most common questions I am asked is what sort of special effects are in it and what year is it from. This to me indicates that people just want special effects and care very little for the story or content of the film. Give people lots of Computer Generated Images and they'll awe at the brilliance of your film-making. Since this is apparently the main reason why people spend money on film, this is the main focus of film producers. And that has nothing to do with people downloading films.

In the end it all comes down to money and where it's going. A fact that is often forgotten is that you don't have to spend your money. I am amazed at how many people complain about spending their money on something they don't like (which was not a necessity) as if they had no choice in the matter.

Right now I don't like the attitude of the entertainment industry, instead of adjusting to live in this economy and this era, they try to halt our cultural progress. So I won't be buying anything in March and I hope enough people have heard about it so that this can actually work and someone can get a taste of the fear of their people...

Frustracje z Empikiem

Jedną z rzeczy które robię będąc w Polsce to wycieczka do księgarń. Chodząc po tychże księgarniach zauważyłem, że Supernowa wydaje teraz książki Wiedźmina w wersji z czarną okładką a ja już zacząłem kupywać je w białej okładce. Jako, że taka niezgodność okładek wyglądałaby nader źle na mojej półce, mogłem uczynić tylko jedno! Iść i kupić resztę książek której mi brak zanim znikną z obiegu!

No i był taki problem, że w księgarniach ich już raczej nie było. Powinienem był kupić jak tylko jedną zauważyłem, ale Empik miał akurat promocję kup 3 w cenie 2 więc szukałem i szukałem... aż wszystkie Empiki przeszukałem... a jest ich z Białymstoku trzy...

Ale jest jeszcze nadzieja! Zostało nam dane cudo jakim jest internet! Zatem bez kolejnej zwłoki wyruszam na wirtualną wędrówkę po katalogu Empika i oto znajduję wersje które były mi potrzebne do ukończenia mej kolekcji Sagi o Wiedźminie!

Zamówienie zostało złożone 21 września (środa). Niemalże natychmiast, z szybkością której pozazdrościłby sam Hermes, otrzymuję email, który dumnie głosi iż moje zamówienie zostanie zrealizowane już następnego dnia (czwartek)! Pozostało mi już jedynie wyczekiwać aż książki dotrą do mnie nim z Anglii wyjadę, a zatem tydzień.

Czekam i czekam...

I oto 26 września (poniedziałek) otrzymuje email. Empik prosi o me wybaczenie i oto, żebym oszczędził ich życie ponieważ z przykrością obwieszczają mi iż nie mają w posiadaniu tomu zatytułowanego Chrzest Ognia, jednak pozostałe dwa są jak najbardziej w ich posiadaniu, Krew Elfów i Pani Jeziora, zatem muszę jedynie dać im moje błogosławieństwo aby mogli podzielić zamówienie na dwie części i niezwłocznie wysłać mi te książki które mają... po czym będą się modlić o szybką zgubę nim mój gniew do nich dotrze... Zgadzam się na takie warunki lecz jestem lekko zawiedziony. Akurat potrzeba mi było Chrztu Ognia żeby dalej czytać tą całą Sagę.

I tak oto 28 września wieczorem (środa) wracam do Anglii, cała noc w podróży. A gdy budzę się 29 września (czwartek) po całym dniu spędzonym na drzemce której nieboszczyk mógłby pozazdrościć, dowiaduję się od mamy iż przyszła do mnie paczka a w niej książka...

Chrzest Ognia

Faza...

All Good Things...

Some time ago I have decided to archive the games I ran online. I didn't want to lose them to sudden crashes or other strange things. Some of the games I ran required a lot of time and effort on my part and the thought of losing them started to scare me. I think of games like creating stories with friends whilst having a lot of fun. Just thinking about scenes and reading them again brings joy to my black bleeding heart. It is partly because of what Scribe Drizz is trying to achieve and partly because of my memories of running an Exalted game called United We Stand. It was a game about a group of Solars and their allies preparing a kingdom for war in the Hundred Kingdoms that were threatened by the machinations of a Deathlord. The game spanned about three years of my life when every evening I updated threads and talked with the players about what they want from it.

It was one of the games that I have been most proud of. Just like all good things it too came to an end without a finish. I have ran it on RPoL and they do not allow archiving games. So when the game was marked for deletion due to inactivity, I have began the process of copying and pasting all the threads to a doc file. With thousands upon thousands of words, I had a whole lot of copy/pasting to do. Then events in my offline life took a turn that required my attention. As it is with me, I do not consider gaming a big priority so I put off completing the copy/pasting for later. Life went on, I got on with the problems I was having and it all started to calm down.

I have to note that my life was so hectic lately that one of my good players started to honestly doubt I would ever start the game that I'm currently working at. I consider it a great fall from my former glory days.

Today I decided to pick up when I left on and I noticed that the game has been completely deleted. I know full well that I have no one to blame other than myself for this. I was really torn when I noticed this because on one side, it's just a game, on the other it's a game using my favourite system, played with a really great group of players and a game that taught me a lot about running games. Not to mention it actually let me say I have ran a game for three years when people say online games can only last for a few weeks before they die. It was proof of my Awesome.

and now it's gone...

I was contemplating what to do with this fact. If I want to continue archiving or just deleting what I had... and all things considered, I think I'll just use what I have and simply write out all I can remember that happened (and didn't happen) after I stopped archiving the game. It won't be as great as I had hoped.

In the end, after my rage and self-loathing subsided, I think all things considered I have made the right choice of focusing on issues that were gnawing at my life rather than on a game.

A lesson is learned for the future. I will have to archive the games that I'm currently running as they go. So I will have to find the time to start archiving The Emergence and Silverkeep now... and yes, Silverkeep will start, I do not want to be known for empty words...

I am seriously mad

I went to the shopping centre with a friend. He wanted to show me some laptops because I'm probably going to buy one soon. He gets in (with a backpack) but me, being behind, don't... because I had a backpack. I was then told to put it in deposit. Okay, not mad yet but when I saw the deposit. It's just a locker that you pay 2 PLN to get a key. Hardly any security for whatever I had with me, just paying for it to be under zero surveillance and in a crappy locker that you could get into with a strong punch. I'm basically expected to pay for paying the shop money... and this is something I don't agree with. I want quality for my money, not some cheap cheese cake with nil insurance and security.

but that wasn't the worst

What really got me mad happened later on. We went to get beer, me not liking beer that much means that the very fact of it makes me slightly annoying (but I'm trying this social drinking, so lately I've been drinking more than usual = more than nothing). Like always I am wearing a cap and that seems a problem for the security guard. I am suddenly a threat that needs to be dealt with. God forbid I have a nice time drinking with a buddy in the non-smoking area... an empty non-smoking area. I still can't understand why it would bother anyone. Even the people who came in and passed us didn't run shouting in terror at the sight of a cap on my head. The guard didn't agree, and he was polite enough to show his disagreement with quite vulgar statements and threats of violence... which happened after I left (my friend told me about it), I just didn't want to bother with someone of that calibre.

See, it would be a different thing if the local required all patrons to wear suits or had classical music. Then I would happily comply with the order (I just can't call that manner of speech a request). As it were, it seemed like an informal club, I came there being informal and that's apparently not the impression the club was aiming at.

I'm not feeling well. I'm not sick but I'm just having enough of the whole university.
My tutor tells me that before I conduct my research, I should write the questionnaire and send it to her so I she can give me feedback. It was the end of the week so I sent it on Monday. On Thursday I still had no word, I didn't inquire because I thought she's busy but there's still a few days left and Wednesday is a long day for me... so I went with what I had and surprise, surprise, I bump into her on Friday and she tells me she received my email but didn't know what to do with it... great, just great... and like it happened before with her whole module, I can't find any literature dealing with the subject of my essay and naturally that's the subject I'm most capable to deal with... this whole module is plain stupid and we don't cover anything during the lectures, I might as well not have gone on the lectures and I'd have the same problems I am having now...

Aside from that, I bought a new webcam but it has yet to arrive. I sincerely hope it will work this time around... I also bought a Lego Wizard, Wyrm sent me The Manual of Exalted Power: The Abyssals (which is awesome of him) and I tried to calm myself, but I'm still frustrated beyond measure...

On Monday I informed my fellow housemates of the gas bill and while they were eager to check the gas reading for any inconsistencies, they weren't as keen on paying the money by Friday... which means I can't pay the bill. Who would have thought? And this time I'm going with Exmiscellanea and demand that they pay whatever fine comes our way, because as far as I'm concerned, I have my share ready to be paid...

Ice Age

My webcam finally gave up and died. Now I'm considering buying a new one, the most likely candidate at present is Logitech Quickcam Pro 9000 (image shown below), which is a better version of my old Logitech Quickcam Pro 5000 webcam. I still don't know what happened with this one and so I'm a bit reluctant to buy a new one. Unfortunately, at present the webcam doesn't work on any computer I had the pleasure to try it on.


In other news, someone was foolish enough to leave the freezer slightly open for a prolonged amount of time. I only discovered it last week when I put my newly bought fish fingers in. I had to wait a few days before I could start the slow process of defrosting, mostly because fish fingers have the tendency to not live long when outside cold places. Today was the day and I have to say, it is an Ice Age! in there. I only managed to take out the two bottom shelves. I thought that maybe 3 or 4 hours will do the trick but no, after 4 hours I had to manually brake the ice with sharp pointy objects. (I cut myself, but I only noticed it an hour after I was done.) Another shelf was freed due to my heroic efforts and ice fighting abilities! Unfortunately the last one didn't want to move at all, the handle is broken so I think someone tried to force it out without any luck. What's worse, it's that top shelf that's causing the problem and until I get it out, the freezer won't close so the Ice Age won't stop. I'll try and do the same thing tomorrow, putting the shelves in the coldest room while wrapping them in foil, turn the refrigerator off for 4 hours and proceed to exterminate the cold-blooded opposition. I guess I'll be doing this for as long as it takes...

I Rant Thee

There's always something wrong going on... I'm behind on keeping in touch with people, blogging, game updating, writing and studying... it's not that it's too much for me, I can deal with it all and still have the time to read a book or post on the forums but with not having a laptop for a week my sleep pattern just plain died under the attack of extreme anxiety. It didn't help I had a week off school afterwards, I only get depressed about not going to university and frankly, the time I went to class this Monday put a sincere smile on my face.

It's slightly pathetic to actually like studying more than being around people and going out on a drink but I can't say I care that much. I do need to gather myself up because without a pattern of things to do I'm a mess that just gets piled up on things that I should be doing. Like making my room not being a mess, I guess I'll put some time off my usual IM schedule. At least I have some more money to spend thanks to a bursary arrival, which means I can relax a bit in the kitchen cooking... even if the kitchen looks awful... I am a guy, and as such I hate cleaning but that doesn't mean I'm incapable of keeping my living space clean... in fact, it's easier to just wash the dishes after the meal and make sure nothing spills from your cup of tea on the floor rather than cleaning everything each week, for which I plainly don't have time... I really need to be living alone for once in my life.

So, I wanted this entry to be a show off post of me allowing you to behold my lovely presents but as I came downstairs this morning...

My mug, my lovely new birthday mug was on the shelf! I was looking around, trying to remember where I must have put it when the terrible thought of someone throwing it away entered my mind. However first I had to make sure it's not everywhere, the next moment I was standing in the living room with a mixed feeling of relief and annoyance... My mug has endured a full week of shelf standing and now it has been used by someone who wasn't me and left to its own demise in the living room, on the table, dirty... it's evening now and it's still there! I could clean it but that would only make them more susceptible to using my stuff with the notion I'll clean them myself.
What's even worse is that it's quite clear that the mug belongs to someone, it doesn't even have the shape of the communal mugs, nor their colours and it stood there with a dozen of them but NO! they had to use mine...
I can understand not knowing who such a thing belongs to, but it should be quite clear to the person who drank from it that it didn't belong to him...

I think I will soon take my stuff upstairs and hold them here, even though it would require me to explain that this and that is mine by right of purchasing the stuff. Of course they might then throw a fit about me being unable to prove any of my claims...