Not Fair

Doctor Who recently gave us a wonderful speech on war and what happens when you take the first step... but what really got me in that episode wasn't the speech itself but the reason behind one character wanting to start a war. In that episode, at one point, she said that the treatment her race received wasn't fair.

It's hard for me to accept such reasoning as a basis of an argument.

Fairness, Justice and Equality are all worthy and noble concepts to uphold but they're just that, concepts. How well they exist is dependent upon people. I've met people who do good deeds because they believe good deeds will be done to them, and I meet people who do whatever they want, not caring whether their deeds will hurt others.

Don't we even have a saying It's nothing personal?
As if that somehow makes it better to hurt another.

All these people, no matter how good or bad they are, have good and bad things happen to them.
Because Life, ultimately, doesn't subsribe to your notion of good and evil.
It doesn't care what happens to you and whether you like it or not.

Some people are born to riches, some are talented, some are supported, some are given opportunities... and some people aren't. Where's the fairness in that?

There is none...

Life

I suppose it's my second attempt at getting back into blogging.
It's odd, really.

I was doing very badly these past few months. I had a lot of doubts about various areas of my life. I didn't feel comfortable talking with my friends about it. Last summer was a very big hit. I could hardly deal with all that happened... and when I tried to talk with my friends about it, I often got the advice that I should forget about it all. I wish I could just mark certain experiences, press a button, and have the deleted but that's not how it works, unfortunately.

I wanted to reconcile past events, analyse myself and make peace with what happened. My state was such that I sought help in people I thought closest to me at the time but instead I felt pushed away, my emotions devalued. It didn't matter how I felt.

That's not entirely true. Although I felt ostracised, I know people meant well. I'm just a very different person emotionally and while people find me alluring, despite their best efforts, I often feel misunderstood on an emotional level.

At one point, my state got so bad that I sought professional help. I spent all my saving on counselling which, in retrospect, I could have done without if only I remembered about this place. I only really needed an outlet for my emotions, some form of expressing my feelings. I realised it when I was talking with my counsellor. It didn't matter to me whether she was there nor if she was listening. For me, it was good sorting out the maze that my thoughts and emotions have become.

All I really needed was to think, to write and to live.

It's safe to say I wasted a lot of my money. It might take me a long time before I get back up to the point I was at before last summer, when I felt happy and on track with life.

At least now, I know what I should be doing.

Lies...

There's something that's been on my mind for a while.

For the past few months I've been acting unlike myself.

I was going out, talking to people, I joined two WhatsApp groups composed mainly of people I know from work and whenever I was around anyone, I've been silly and put up a smile.

Everyone told me I was happy and way more positive than before. It's disheartening to experience how easily the people who you spend most of your time with are fooled.

I haven't been happy for a year now. Every time I hear people tell me different, I just get sadder internally. I didn't let it show, just pretended it's all right and tried to go on with life but it seems bottling up these emotions isn't working all that well for me.

It's always been hard for me to explain my feelings and my way of being to others because people don't seem to want to accept it. I know they want all the best for me but their words end up hurting me more than they help.

One guy introduced me to someone new, saying that I was cool and I never used to go out much but now they're working on me and I'm starting to get the Spanish spirit. Although I've been told that people accept me, when I hear words like that, all I can think of is how the person I appear to be is more valuable than the one I am.

I was told once that I have a lot of positive energy now; to which I replied that maybe I'm just very good at pretending. An assertion that seems to be correct since how I feel and how people around me think I feel is constantly at odds.

Then... there are the parties. I've been invited to some on several occassions. I went a few times, whenever I had the time but as usual, it never works out in my favour.

Dusting off

It has been a while since I last wrote anything here. My grandiose plan of writing at least once a month didn't come to fruition at all. Suffice to say, I have had a very difficult summer.

There was enough grief and dissapointment going through my heart that I could hardly focus my mind on anything. As is the usual case with me, my healing process took a few months to show any results. I forced myself to stand up and engaged in activities I always wanted to be a part of my life but for which lack I constantly made an excuse after excuse not to participate in.

I'm doing a lot better now.
I'm being social again, I feel like doing stuff and I'm making progress with my various projects.

Life goes on.
The daily struggle of existence continues.