Thinking...

There's a couple that recently moved in. As with all couples they share a bed and since my room is next to theirs, I keep hearing exactly when they are engaged in intimate activities. It so happens that it's that time of the year that my mind drifts into the subject of relationships, love and sex. It's funny that my friend Domi recently told me "We need to find you a girlfriend." I think those are the words she used but due to my memory being as it is, I can't be certain. That, however, doesn't change the subject matter.

First of all, at the age of 20 I'm a total layman when it comes to having (or even pursuing) a relationship. During all those years I kept on having that dream of eventually finding a soul-mate. Two years ago a certain thing happened that made me realise how big a part sex plays in a relationship. I'm not sure what I was thinking until that point, maybe I thought it was some kind of supplement to love rather than the central point of two people getting together to share a life. As time went on I made some observations, read a bit about it and came to the conclusion that sex is an important part of being together, to the extent that not having sex is a sign of the relationship crumbling. Then there's also the fact that one night stands are quite a common occurrence where I live now but I never really thought of sex as being outside the realm of being in a romantic relationship, at the same time I didn't think of it as being part of it. I'm not even sure if I thought about it at all.

When I was a teenager, sex was a common topic in my age group. My disinterest in the subject always set me apart but I think it was mostly because I didn't feel the need to talk dirty about the opposite sex (something that I never grew out of). I remember how my peers kept talking about how hot some celebrity was, even if the actual person was indeed attractive, I couldn't see that in her picture. In fact, in most cases, the more attractive the woman in question seemed to be for my fellow teens, the less it applied to me. For some unknown reason I always had a problem relating to other males; football and cars just never interested me. On the other hand, I quite often read the women magazines my mum occasionally bought, the subjects therein were just more interesting.

At one point I thought all that would somehow make me a good partner since I could relate to women better and actually do things with them that they enjoyed. However, I'm constantly told that I need to be more as a guy to be a attractive as a man... but I'm fine with me being me, even if that means I'll have to be me alone. My magnum opus, the one I had since primary school, of forming a family doesn't seem like an option today. Nowadays I just feel like people my age have more experience and skill in building relationships than me. This means that on some level, I'm afraid of pursuing that relationship because I won't be able to meet the expectations of someone more proficient in this endeavour.

Yes, I got a bit mopy, but sometimes you have to let tears run free...