Thinking...

There's a couple that recently moved in. As with all couples they share a bed and since my room is next to theirs, I keep hearing exactly when they are engaged in intimate activities. It so happens that it's that time of the year that my mind drifts into the subject of relationships, love and sex. It's funny that my friend Domi recently told me "We need to find you a girlfriend." I think those are the words she used but due to my memory being as it is, I can't be certain. That, however, doesn't change the subject matter.

First of all, at the age of 20 I'm a total layman when it comes to having (or even pursuing) a relationship. During all those years I kept on having that dream of eventually finding a soul-mate. Two years ago a certain thing happened that made me realise how big a part sex plays in a relationship. I'm not sure what I was thinking until that point, maybe I thought it was some kind of supplement to love rather than the central point of two people getting together to share a life. As time went on I made some observations, read a bit about it and came to the conclusion that sex is an important part of being together, to the extent that not having sex is a sign of the relationship crumbling. Then there's also the fact that one night stands are quite a common occurrence where I live now but I never really thought of sex as being outside the realm of being in a romantic relationship, at the same time I didn't think of it as being part of it. I'm not even sure if I thought about it at all.

When I was a teenager, sex was a common topic in my age group. My disinterest in the subject always set me apart but I think it was mostly because I didn't feel the need to talk dirty about the opposite sex (something that I never grew out of). I remember how my peers kept talking about how hot some celebrity was, even if the actual person was indeed attractive, I couldn't see that in her picture. In fact, in most cases, the more attractive the woman in question seemed to be for my fellow teens, the less it applied to me. For some unknown reason I always had a problem relating to other males; football and cars just never interested me. On the other hand, I quite often read the women magazines my mum occasionally bought, the subjects therein were just more interesting.

At one point I thought all that would somehow make me a good partner since I could relate to women better and actually do things with them that they enjoyed. However, I'm constantly told that I need to be more as a guy to be a attractive as a man... but I'm fine with me being me, even if that means I'll have to be me alone. My magnum opus, the one I had since primary school, of forming a family doesn't seem like an option today. Nowadays I just feel like people my age have more experience and skill in building relationships than me. This means that on some level, I'm afraid of pursuing that relationship because I won't be able to meet the expectations of someone more proficient in this endeavour.

Yes, I got a bit mopy, but sometimes you have to let tears run free...

Happy Easter!

iPod

Today I was given my first iPod ever... I knew I would never buy one myself since I'm just not that much into music but I felt it is inevitable for me to not get one eventually, so the day has come!

Thanks Domi...

I'm back!

Virgin Media seemed to have confused my account with an account previously placed here. They thought I didn't pay my share of the money, naturally it took them two calls from me and two engineers to figure that much out.

As a side note, I think I'll give it a rest with all those daily one liners. I'm too thoughtful when it comes to writing and I enjoy thinking so when I make a one liner, it just feels fake... So there will be less posts from me but on the other hand, they should be more interesting... at least I hope so...

it's 8 PM and I feel like I'm going to collapse... I shall sleep now and when I arise in the morning, I shall work on my essay...

Being Smart

For quite some time, people kept telling me I'm intelligent. Before this started I only heard that being said to me from my parents as a reason for my social exclusion in school environments. Other than that, my peers felt it appropriate to call me an idiot.

I'm still fairly bewildered with this term being applied to me. I have only an above average score, nothing that would make me a Mensa member (and quite frankly, the one Mensa member I met on the internet was an arrogant prick who'd expect everyone to know everything). I have no idea where this claim of intellect comes from and I don't think I'll understand it any time soon.

I have to admit that every time this topic is brought up in a social context, I feel awkward. I am not sure how to react and just fall silent for a moment before disregarding the claim and moving on. Anything other than that would be either considered rude (disapproval) or arrogant (acknowledgement), at least to me.

The main reason why I don't consider myself intelligent is that simply put, I'm still bewildered with the world I find myself in. There's a great many things I don't understand and the moment I think I finally got it, the universe proves me wrong.

Before Death

Yesterday's talk with Vegael made me think about things I would like to do and stuff that I should be doing because they're fun, thus these few things might actually change me into the person I would like to be...

1 - Keep learning languages
2 - Read books, manga and graphic novels
3 - Write a book
4 - Practice drawing
5 - Learn to play the violin
6 - Sign up martial arts classes + gym training
7 - Make a daiklave
8 - Practice cooking
9 - Become a Doctor

in no particular order...

Big Email

I think I just wrote the longest email of my life.

1512 words, all dedicated to my bestest friend ever, Vegael...

Meine Goethe!

If receiving a film of Die Sorgen des jungen Werther was not enough yesterday. I came home to find the book, in German, sent all the way from Österreich at my door. It's a conspiracy! The only way out of it is to kill Wyrm when I see him next...

It will be an epic battle so make sure you'll have something to make photos with...

Ah the Sorrow

My German teacher surprised me today, she gave me a film entitled Die Leiden des Jungen Werther...

und mein Deutsch ist immer schlecht...

Krzyś is mean

There's one weird thing about me that a lot of people find a bit annoying. I felt like writing about it because it came up recently and it might have had a negative effect, though with the amount of sarcasm going around in the social circle, you never know. And hey, I still find social interaction confusing.

To start off, I'll remind you of something I wrote a very long time ago. I can be very mean towards my friends. I had said horrible things to my friend, which did hurt him and that he didn't take well. Not only that, I once punched him in the face because of an argument. In a way, that's an indication of a friendship bond existing between us.

I'm an honest person. I rarely lie because there's hardly a need for it, so when I speak I tend to do so truthfully. I will jest on subjects that aren't necessarily considered nice and I'll most likely do so in a sarcastic manner appropriate to the context of the interaction taking place. Meaning, I won't say something bad out of the blue and I will say it to you.

That's what I do to people I know and care about. I don't go around insulting everyone nearby because I just don't acknowledge their existence to a certain degree. They're not persons but social entities. Irrelevant to me as an individual. I only interact with them on a level appropriate to my social standing and the interrelations between our positions. The moment that interaction becomes something more, I start to act more freely around these people.

Unfortunately, I have raging emotions in me. I hit walls when I'm angry and I cry all the way through sad films. I am afraid when met with unknown situations and petrified to the extent I need to force myself to move if I'm met with an unknown dog. It often happens that those emotions are contradictory, like when I was holding my Godchild for the first time. I was happy, afraid and sad when he started crying.

I was happy because I just became a Godfather and I really do like children. I was afraid because I never held a baby and we all know how fragile they can be. Finally, I was sad because he started crying out of the blue and it traumatised me. So I said to my mom that when he gets older, I'll keep on reminding him that the first time I held him, he cried...

and that's mean! At the same time, that tells everyone that I really care about the little boy. I act the same way towards other family members because that's basically the way I am. I don't even remember what I criticise about because the content is irrelevant. There were times when I whined about having to do something while I was about to go do it and afterwards, I forgot about the whole thing. I suppose I'm just that pessimistic that I have to pick up on the flaws of people I like.

If you think being mean to people because you like them is mean, I am even more critical of myself. I'm a perfectionist and a pessimist because I pick up on every single one of my flaws. I remind myself constantly of them, even when I sleep I have dreams of people picking on my flaws in my voice. It's irrelevant of whether I'm awake or not, I can't stop telling myself how awful I am and that something needs to be done about it.

My family understands this, that I just have my moods. It's not logical to start an argument and then act like it was meaningless but that's the way I am around my closest social circles. In a way, that acts as a barrier for some, as they are unable to accept this and back off while they still have the chance. It's the rare few who can accept it and those are the people granted the friendship of a Scorpio.

While it's good to have lots of friends, I tend to go with quality over quantity when it comes to people.

Finally, I found out early on that no one is perfect so it's better to love people for their flaws.

Wien?

A conversation between students and tutor was made. We asked about the Masters degrees to see what the future may hold. After getting my Bachelor, I could go for a Masters degree but apparently, the one I could aim for without prior teaching experience isn't all that good. Since I would need to spend money for it, I'd rather invest the coins in the best way possible.

There is a diploma that could be done in a few weeks, after which you get a job and I could pick a place where to travel to and teach English. It's called RSA Celta and is offered by International House, after two years of working there I would be eligible for a higher diploma, RSA Delta, which is apparently a qualification sought after by employers. In addition, since I'd have experience by then, I could go for a Masters degree in Media Assisted Language Teaching. The downside is that they don't have a school in Austria.

I could go to Berlin though... obviously, the diploma isn't for cheap and I bet my parents won't be happy with me putting off getting a MA for 2 years, thus I (badly) need to get a job so I can somehow earn money for myself...

Venture into the Urban

I went to town today:

Put some money on my bank account so I won't go into overdraft by paying rent. It happened a few times now so I started tracking the numbers on my account with added vigilance.

I cut my hair! I took a shower today just so my hair would be clean for cutting. I was prepared for the dreaded cold shower due to the water not being heated up properly but to my amazement, there was hot water coming from it! Finally, I can cleanse myself of sin more often again...

I exchanged the book tokens from earlier for Beyond Good and Evil.

I embraced the Geek Side by buying boosters for Yu-Gi-Oh and Pokemon TCG. It's been ages since I last played or bought Pokemon cards and I nearly forgot how much fun they are... too bad there's no one I can play with...

Grocery shopping went well. I have a great many vegetables in my grasp now, combined with the ready meals it should enable me to last the whole week. I also bought some cereal bars so I won't be buying them from my school campus, cheaper that way.

I was about to buy a new webcam but I just couldn't make myself spend that amount of money. I was too scared that I will bring it home only to find out that it was a laptop issue. With slight resignation, I tried once again to plug my webcam in. Once more, a surprise! It worked so I can show off my lack of hair!

I have yet to check if it works properly as a video+sound recorded but today wasn't such a bad day. It even rained only at the time I was either in a shop or a bus...

Black Water

As human beings, we like to think of ourselves as being at the top of the food chain. Maybe that's why stories about man-eaters are so scary. We're not raised with the fear of our existence ending as a means of survival for a stronger creature. Naturally, even though animals don't hunt us, they can still kill us. That's what this film is about.

It starts innocently. Two sisters say their good byes to their mother before going on a trip into the wilds. They are accompanied by the husband of the older one. Their first stop: a crocodile park. Going by the music you'll probably already know who the main villain of this story will be. However, we don't see him up until the trio takes a guide and go into the swamp. They find themselves stranded, climbing a tree to survive, far from civilisation.

Their attempts are futile, they slowly lose hope. What I found especially interesting is how the film uses not only music to build up a mood but also a lack thereof. A short action sequence has an appropriate music to it while when they wait to try and think of something, there's no music, just the buzzing of mosquitoes. This creates a feeling of hopelessness and loneliness, it reflects their boredom as they wait for rescue and that it's them who they should look up for rescue. The film seems plain made, but that makes it more real, like something that could have happened. Apparently, it did as proved by the Based on a True Story intro. That one sentence just seems to spoil it. Creative liberties aside, I don't understand why there wasn't any information on what happened to the characters after the film's events. A simple technique, that even with changed names could only make this film better than it is.

Permitted ≠ Allowed

The following subject came up today on a lecture:
Should swearing be permitted in schools?

K: I think swearing shouldn't be permitted.
D: So you're saying it should be allowed.
K: No, I'm saying it shouldn't be permitted, shouldn't
D: That means it should be allowed.
K: No, it doesn't.
D: Yes, it does!
K: No, permitted and allowed are the same thing.
D: Okay, if you say so *rolls eyes*

It was longer in reality, but that's the gist of the exchange that went between me and Student D.

Ugh...

I've spent most of today on two lectures and reading a book about managing non-profit organisations...

I went home to see that the housemates don't believe me when I'm telling them they owe me money for March bills. I don't want to deal with this so I wrote a note containing all the financial details, I'll print it tomorrow and just stick it to their doors... one more thing, there seems to be another guy that moved in, I haven't seen him yet...

My tutor sent out another reading list and an assignment, late in the evening, I'll check it in the morning and take out some books on semantics tomorrow to go through during the weekend. I just hope people gave them back already because there just wasn't any last time I checked, it's frustrating...

Sieben Aufsatzthemen

I'm finally finished with my seven topics for German. This time I really watched the grammar of everything instead of winging it. It probably still has mistakes but at least I know I did my best, not like the previous time when I just wrote without thinking about the grammar side of things. I really hope there will be less mistakes than the previous time but that I will know in a few days after tomorrow.

However, I did make a few interesting observations:
My main problem is with articles and their inflection.
While I have enough content words in my vocabulary I need to shift them into active use so I can think of them faster.
My structure seems good if a bit complex but I have a certain degree of innate understanding of how German syntax works.
I have a significant lack of knowledge in the idiom and cultural reference department.

The subjects were:

Mein Leben als Student in England - My life as a student in England
Lots of bitching about how I despise the student culture... and a bit on how people annoy me in the library...

Brighton meine neue Heimat - Brighton my new homeland
Lots of bitching on how I don't like this place and how I don't consider to have a homeland so I can't have a new one...

Was ich von Polen vermisse - What do I miss from Poland
A few sentences basically saying "nothing"

Unterschiede zwischem Alltag in Polen und Alltag in England - Differences between an average day in Poland and England
The same like before but saying more about surface differences that don't matter and that after you go past them, there is no variety in life

Mein Hobby - My hobby
Roleplaying, 361 words, the basics...

Mein Lieblingsfilm - My favourite film
Ghost Ship, descriptions of death!

Mein Lieblingsbuch - My favourite book
The Sorrows of Young Werther, love and death...

Even I am amazed at how I'm able to make the simplest subject depressing to the extreme...

Answers

I called a friend today and an interesting question came up. She's really down because she doesn't know what to do with herself now so she asked:

1. Do I know what I want to do in life?
2. Do I miss my country?

The answers, like always, just dragged me down...

1. I think I know where my life is heading. There are some prospects for me, like my tutor said: I could travel the world as an English teacher. I could technically go to any country and teach English there but it's just not what I thought would be happening. I always thought that by this time I would be planning on having a family, instead I constantly prove to myself I'm incapable of living with anyone but myself and that I keep dragging myself into work thus not seeing anything outside of that concept. Meanwhile, all the people I know have someone, some are thinking of marriage, while one of them has a baby. I bury myself in books and pretend I don't exist...

2. No. There's nothing holding me here, nor to any other place in the world. I never felt like I belong and neither do I feel that now. In a way I don't feel as if I changed, but I did change. I learned that life is not worth living and that I should not go against who I am. So I stopped rejecting my hate towards people, their stupidity and their egoism...

One Week Down

The first week of intense studying is over.

Excessive weight carried each day to the library and back didn't work well on my muscles.
I'm stressed to the extent I sleep less than a human being has to, which means I'm quite cranky so it's good I don't know any German curses or I would end up spitting them on the Austrian reading this...

The schedule seems to be working. The online games I'm in are moving, even though I didn't post anything in two days due to extensive headaches. I'm reading to ease the nerves and posting on the forums just an hour a day. I also found out it's fairly easy to update this journal daily with insignificant information, which are then used to make a paragraph of some longer post that'll go up in the future after it's done in its entirety.

As far as the university goes, one thing annoyed me recently. It's about an essay that was marked and given to me, the following is an excerpt from the feedback form followed by an excerpt from the bibliography:

"You did not provide a copy of the catalogue so I was unable to actually see what you were referring to."

"The Lego Group. (2007) Lego Catalogue January 2007 [online]. Available: http://shop.lego.com/ByCatalog/onlinecat.aspx?c=uk4 [January 2008]"

Right now I have a deadline for something each week so it's difficult to keep up with everything... At least I'm done with one essay, the next is written and ready for submission and I have a subject to propose for another essay so I can focus a bit on practising German for an exam. Which of course will be a week before I have to give in yet another essay, but I can't start working on it as I don't know the subject for it at present.

Sacrament

The reader is introduced to Will Rabjohns, a photographer of soon to be extinct species. He has his deal of fame, an Englishman living in San Francisco and a gay.

After we take a look at the average day of the main character, Will falls into a coma. This acts as a way for Barker to shift our attention to Will's childhood. The reader goes over the major events that made Will into who he is now and builds the basis for the rest of the book. At the same time, it's uncertain how the book's present interacts with the character's past. In many ways, I was reminded of time travel stories. It's also the first time we are introduced to the story's main antagonists, although their true nature isn't revealed up until the very last pages.

I am not familiar with literature where the main character is homosexual but I am pleased that this fact isn't used merely for the sake of it. Will's homosexuality is part of the plot and one of the reasons why the main antagonist despises the photographer so much, it also correlates Will's perception of himself.

The story overall is gripping. I found myself craving to read what happens next. However, the main reason it caught me as much as it had was that the author doesn't limit himself just to pleasantries. I would imagine some might find the images this book gives to be slightly disturbing if not obscene.

Me liking Books!!!

On Thursdays I volunteer as a teaching assistant for Pre-Entry Level English for Speakers of Other Languages (ESOL) classes for a group of adults without literary skills. I've been doing this for 17 weeks now and today the teacher I assist surprised me. She gave me book tokens to use in local book shops... not only is that job enjoyable, refreshing and relaxing but I also got free books!

Now I just need to decide what literary works I'll spend them on...

However first, I need to sleep, my head hurts...

Prima Aprilis

[insert clever joke]

[point finger]

[laugh]

[write lol]

LOL