I finished the German writing part in half of the given time... should be okay...
On Friday, we had a class on religion in the UK for Identity & Culture. It appears I'm now known as the resident expert on Paganism...
I also finished a translation for my friend and now I should work a bit on the introduction to my novel for Creative Writing. The tutor from those classes said that I should write about how I struggle to write in English, which I just don't see... yeah, sure, I am not a native, I make mistakes, but I don't think it's a wonder that I can't write perfect English on something which heavies over my emotions... and even then, I hardly make the mistakes most people do when writing in English as their second language... and she just keeps going on "I wouldn't be able to write in another language", so am I wrong to think that what she can't isn't reflective on what others can and cannot?
Sunday, 13 May 2007
Sunday, 6 May 2007
Party Time!!!
The weekend is nearly over, literally, and I'm sitting here waiting for my tea to cool down. I feel my eyelids shutting down but I don't want to go to sleep. Something is bothering me and it shows in my dreams.
I don't normally have nightmares, and I don't consider these to be such. I don't wake up in the middle of the night terrified and unable to go to sleep, but these dreams I have just show that something is bugging me.
I dream of confusing languages, trying to speak a specific one and being unable to do so. Other times I don't understand anyone. My mouth is shut so tight that my teeth begin to crumble or it's so wide that my cheeks are being slowly torn apart. All of these have a distinct theme going on, the one of speech, language, I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something. I'm worried, more than ever, about my future. I constantly look back and question the path I've chosen for myself.
It's funny because I always thought I'm doing the right thing. I went on with my education in order to have better chances of achieving a job with suitable wages to ensure a solid life for the family I would have. True, I never was the best pupil of them all, mostly because I didn't agree with the school system which wanted me to excel in everything even when I had clear views on what I want to do with my life. I might have been at the bottom when it came to History and Polish, in the middle in nearly all else, but I did my best in those subjects in which I saw a future for myself, foreign languages. Now I'm studying Linguistics, a subject which although hard, is something I do want to study. However, my plan was flawed from the beginning. People don't go forth with ensuring they have the needed knowledge to build a respectful family life, I was probably the only one in my age group to even think about it.
Eh, it took me half of a lifetime, about 10 years to see how foolish I was. To think that first comes responsibility and duty, to believe in fate that the person I am destined to be with would find me as I would find her, that I would give her my first kiss and live together from then on.
It's a stupid belief, one which could only be taken by a kid in early primary school, a child like me.
I don't normally have nightmares, and I don't consider these to be such. I don't wake up in the middle of the night terrified and unable to go to sleep, but these dreams I have just show that something is bugging me.
I dream of confusing languages, trying to speak a specific one and being unable to do so. Other times I don't understand anyone. My mouth is shut so tight that my teeth begin to crumble or it's so wide that my cheeks are being slowly torn apart. All of these have a distinct theme going on, the one of speech, language, I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something. I'm worried, more than ever, about my future. I constantly look back and question the path I've chosen for myself.
It's funny because I always thought I'm doing the right thing. I went on with my education in order to have better chances of achieving a job with suitable wages to ensure a solid life for the family I would have. True, I never was the best pupil of them all, mostly because I didn't agree with the school system which wanted me to excel in everything even when I had clear views on what I want to do with my life. I might have been at the bottom when it came to History and Polish, in the middle in nearly all else, but I did my best in those subjects in which I saw a future for myself, foreign languages. Now I'm studying Linguistics, a subject which although hard, is something I do want to study. However, my plan was flawed from the beginning. People don't go forth with ensuring they have the needed knowledge to build a respectful family life, I was probably the only one in my age group to even think about it.
Eh, it took me half of a lifetime, about 10 years to see how foolish I was. To think that first comes responsibility and duty, to believe in fate that the person I am destined to be with would find me as I would find her, that I would give her my first kiss and live together from then on.
It's a stupid belief, one which could only be taken by a kid in early primary school, a child like me.
Wednesday, 7 March 2007
Nation
One of my new classes this semester is Identity and Culture. On our last class we watched fragments of a BBC documentary called 100% English, where people who considered themselves 100% English explained what they think about their national identity and allowed their DNA to be tested for traces of other races.
It was interesting to watch, since I always considered myself 100% Polish, but in a much different way. The people we saw cared greatly about their purity, to the extent that they didn't seem to be too happy about scientists finding traces of other races in their genome. Which was mostly seen by their sentence build. I on the other hand, would find it cool to have some "impurities".
Then we went to the subject of integration and what is the difference between emigrant and immigrant. It's been said that the difference is that the latter tries to adjust themselves to the culture they immigrated to. What's interesting, I think of myself as an immigrant, but according to others' point of view I am an emigrant due to the fact that I don't change the way I act depending on the environment I find myself in. Then again, I don't think this is the case. As I don't suddenly start to bitch, whine and moan on everything that is English specifically because it is English. I even do that when I'm in Poland. I like some parts of one country over the other, and that doesn't change with the place I am in.
However, this specific lecture made me think about whether I really want to stay in England for good. I like it here, but I don't want to be seen as a foreign invader. I know that people want to have a distinct feel to their communities and cultures. For some reason, although I am an individualist, I like to learn about customs and traditions of others, yet, I see cultural integration as a means to enhance a culture instead of destroying it.
I still think myself a Pole, but I'd rather see European under my nationality on the passport. Just because I don't believe nationality can be described as the place of birth. Lets take this hypothetical question: If a Spanish and Ukrainian pair has a child in Scotland and moves to Lithuania after 3 years, and moves countries of residence approximately every 3 years. What is the child's nationality? Since it was raised by members of different nations and in various nations, the easiest answer would be Scottish... but can such a child be truly described as British?
It was interesting to watch, since I always considered myself 100% Polish, but in a much different way. The people we saw cared greatly about their purity, to the extent that they didn't seem to be too happy about scientists finding traces of other races in their genome. Which was mostly seen by their sentence build. I on the other hand, would find it cool to have some "impurities".
Then we went to the subject of integration and what is the difference between emigrant and immigrant. It's been said that the difference is that the latter tries to adjust themselves to the culture they immigrated to. What's interesting, I think of myself as an immigrant, but according to others' point of view I am an emigrant due to the fact that I don't change the way I act depending on the environment I find myself in. Then again, I don't think this is the case. As I don't suddenly start to bitch, whine and moan on everything that is English specifically because it is English. I even do that when I'm in Poland. I like some parts of one country over the other, and that doesn't change with the place I am in.
However, this specific lecture made me think about whether I really want to stay in England for good. I like it here, but I don't want to be seen as a foreign invader. I know that people want to have a distinct feel to their communities and cultures. For some reason, although I am an individualist, I like to learn about customs and traditions of others, yet, I see cultural integration as a means to enhance a culture instead of destroying it.
I still think myself a Pole, but I'd rather see European under my nationality on the passport. Just because I don't believe nationality can be described as the place of birth. Lets take this hypothetical question: If a Spanish and Ukrainian pair has a child in Scotland and moves to Lithuania after 3 years, and moves countries of residence approximately every 3 years. What is the child's nationality? Since it was raised by members of different nations and in various nations, the easiest answer would be Scottish... but can such a child be truly described as British?
Wednesday, 28 February 2007
Life or lack thereof
I haven't eaten in a few days. My mum told me to watch out for myself because there was a case in the news about a man not eating well whose heart gave up because of it. I hope to end up like that.
This is kinda bad because I know I shouldn't think like that. There are people who don't want to see me dead. There are games online that I run and I don't want to disappoint anyone by suddenly disappearing from the face of the earth. There are things I'd like to write. Debts to be paid. But I'd like to have a reason to live above what I create. Currently, it's all just obligations, I can't think of anything that I want to do.
I like roleplaying, I like studying, I like writing. So what? I just come closer and closer to the realisation that I can't change my life. I can't for the love of God go to the pub with people my age, and I can't expect I'd be able to relate to people older than my parents. I can't really find anything that I do for the sake of enjoyment.
I hate it when people tell me how fun it had to be to go back to Poland for the two off weeks. While I hated it. I wanted to take a break for those weeks and I couldn't because of all that, and now it's back to studying. I don't have a problem with studying, but I can't help wanting to rest for a while. I hate it when people say how bad it is to go back to studying, while I enjoy each lecture to the extent where I can't stand those days I don't have any.
In summary, it's as if I was a totally different person than everyone else. This individuality has never been so much of a burden before. I think it was worse when I first came to England and saw that even in a cosmopolitan country, where many people have foreign ancestry, there still is place for nationalism. The same thing I saw back home. The same thing I wanted to leave behind, to live in a better place. Now however, it seems like there is no such thing.
I have enough of it when people tell me how jealous they are of me. That I am brilliant, highly mature, trustworthy, honest. That I have a great future before me. A future which I don't want to have. I never cared about money. I don't need the toys and books. They are just distractions so that I don't need to think at least for a while about the downfall. How in other words is it possible to describe a life of nothing but work and obligations? Yet I know that ignorance isn't the right way, it won't make things disappear. I curse that knowledge, and the fact I remain strong in my faith. That I try to look up whatever happens, and never give up. But I'm tired, of this life, of this existence of nothing but work.
I want to curl up and die.
This is kinda bad because I know I shouldn't think like that. There are people who don't want to see me dead. There are games online that I run and I don't want to disappoint anyone by suddenly disappearing from the face of the earth. There are things I'd like to write. Debts to be paid. But I'd like to have a reason to live above what I create. Currently, it's all just obligations, I can't think of anything that I want to do.
I like roleplaying, I like studying, I like writing. So what? I just come closer and closer to the realisation that I can't change my life. I can't for the love of God go to the pub with people my age, and I can't expect I'd be able to relate to people older than my parents. I can't really find anything that I do for the sake of enjoyment.
I hate it when people tell me how fun it had to be to go back to Poland for the two off weeks. While I hated it. I wanted to take a break for those weeks and I couldn't because of all that, and now it's back to studying. I don't have a problem with studying, but I can't help wanting to rest for a while. I hate it when people say how bad it is to go back to studying, while I enjoy each lecture to the extent where I can't stand those days I don't have any.
In summary, it's as if I was a totally different person than everyone else. This individuality has never been so much of a burden before. I think it was worse when I first came to England and saw that even in a cosmopolitan country, where many people have foreign ancestry, there still is place for nationalism. The same thing I saw back home. The same thing I wanted to leave behind, to live in a better place. Now however, it seems like there is no such thing.
I have enough of it when people tell me how jealous they are of me. That I am brilliant, highly mature, trustworthy, honest. That I have a great future before me. A future which I don't want to have. I never cared about money. I don't need the toys and books. They are just distractions so that I don't need to think at least for a while about the downfall. How in other words is it possible to describe a life of nothing but work and obligations? Yet I know that ignorance isn't the right way, it won't make things disappear. I curse that knowledge, and the fact I remain strong in my faith. That I try to look up whatever happens, and never give up. But I'm tired, of this life, of this existence of nothing but work.
I want to curl up and die.
Thursday, 15 February 2007
I'm back
Missed me?
Everything seemed to quiet down. I started up two games over at RPoL. Mage: the Awakening and Changeling: the Dreaming. I might get some people to game with properly, as in, not over the internet. I also bought myself Magnum Opus.
My semester started. Creative Writing is cool. Morphology and Syntax likewise, if a bit bizarre for now, so much terminology to learn. I got a 70% on my pagan essay, no word on other assignments.
I want to write some emails... but I'm in a state of "meh" towards everything... I don't even know why I'm here, I should be in German class now, I kinda forgot about it.
I suck...
Everything seemed to quiet down. I started up two games over at RPoL. Mage: the Awakening and Changeling: the Dreaming. I might get some people to game with properly, as in, not over the internet. I also bought myself Magnum Opus.
My semester started. Creative Writing is cool. Morphology and Syntax likewise, if a bit bizarre for now, so much terminology to learn. I got a 70% on my pagan essay, no word on other assignments.
I want to write some emails... but I'm in a state of "meh" towards everything... I don't even know why I'm here, I should be in German class now, I kinda forgot about it.
I suck...
Tuesday, 23 January 2007
More dream posts!!!
It started with me having a case to investigate. I was undercover and had to infiltrate a school. There were rumours circulating around the community, of some terrible things happening inside. I wasn't sure how to infiltrate the school environment, mostly because I didn't have any documents to show that I am a student but I went inside anyway, hoping no one would notice some random guy. To my amazement, I met with a friend of mine who taught there. We talked a bit and then he asked if I have some time because one of the teachers got sick and I could replace him.
It was during one of the breaks that I saw one student bullying another, I felt kinda sorry for that one but I couldn't do anything before the scene ended. Not giving it too much thought I went on to my lesson.
After a while, I got out of the class to make some snooping around, the flickering light coming out of one of the toilets' door caught my attention. I tried opening to no avail, then I kept on knocking until a girl opened it slightly and told me it was occupied. I left, but it only nagged my curiosity even more. On the next try I managed to sneak inside and saw that it was some kind of cult gathering. With people dressed in black and candles all over the place. The people inside were just students, so I could easily disguise myself.
The cult leader came, I could recognise him by the way he walked with dignity, a special ceremonial cloak and how everyone went silent upon his appearance. There was someone following him and I immediately recognised them. The leader was the bullied pupil while his right hand man was the bully I saw earlier.
The leader turned over and accused the other of assault. On which he replied "But I did as you told, so that no one will suspect you." But the words reached deaf ears, the bully started to get afraid and made a few steps back. The leader turned over to the crowd, asking "Does anyone have something against?" I raised myself "I do."
Bad move, the leader drew his hand and I could feel some force squeezing my heart. Now I knew how he led, using fear, killing those who opposed his will. That explained the rumours and dead bodies found from time to time. But I had something up my sleeve too. I started to change, hair grew all over me, my fingernails turned to wicked claws while my face changed into the maw of a canine, filled with savage teeth.
I came forward, saliva dropping on the floor, the gathered escaping, but he didn't back off. The force used to disrupt my internal organs grew as he drew his other hand, but my anger was greater than the pain. Soon, it was over, with me standing above his bloodied corpse, parts of his body lying around, blood spilled all over the wall... last thought before leaving: "Don't mess with a werewolf."
It was during one of the breaks that I saw one student bullying another, I felt kinda sorry for that one but I couldn't do anything before the scene ended. Not giving it too much thought I went on to my lesson.
After a while, I got out of the class to make some snooping around, the flickering light coming out of one of the toilets' door caught my attention. I tried opening to no avail, then I kept on knocking until a girl opened it slightly and told me it was occupied. I left, but it only nagged my curiosity even more. On the next try I managed to sneak inside and saw that it was some kind of cult gathering. With people dressed in black and candles all over the place. The people inside were just students, so I could easily disguise myself.
The cult leader came, I could recognise him by the way he walked with dignity, a special ceremonial cloak and how everyone went silent upon his appearance. There was someone following him and I immediately recognised them. The leader was the bullied pupil while his right hand man was the bully I saw earlier.
The leader turned over and accused the other of assault. On which he replied "But I did as you told, so that no one will suspect you." But the words reached deaf ears, the bully started to get afraid and made a few steps back. The leader turned over to the crowd, asking "Does anyone have something against?" I raised myself "I do."
Bad move, the leader drew his hand and I could feel some force squeezing my heart. Now I knew how he led, using fear, killing those who opposed his will. That explained the rumours and dead bodies found from time to time. But I had something up my sleeve too. I started to change, hair grew all over me, my fingernails turned to wicked claws while my face changed into the maw of a canine, filled with savage teeth.
I came forward, saliva dropping on the floor, the gathered escaping, but he didn't back off. The force used to disrupt my internal organs grew as he drew his other hand, but my anger was greater than the pain. Soon, it was over, with me standing above his bloodied corpse, parts of his body lying around, blood spilled all over the wall... last thought before leaving: "Don't mess with a werewolf."
Sunday, 21 January 2007
I am a Fashion Geek? Very odd...
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