I'd say
everyone has certain comments that they don't want to hear about themselves.
For me, they seem to crop up every few weeks. Someone in my vicinity will
inevitably imply how great a husband I would be... and it would have been nice
to hear that if I were still to believe in Love.
My problem
with Love is that I've wanted to have a family for the better part of my life.
Whenever I went to a new school, I had hopes that I will just lay eyes upon
that one person and as our gazes meet, we would fall in love and spend the rest
of our lives together. As I went to secondary school, high school, university
and even to work, that moment never came.
People keep
telling me that I'm still young and my life is ahead of me, so that moment is
still within reach, but I've been feeling old since I was twelve and now that
I'm more than twice that, I feel too old
to start dating. Especially when I think about how everyone has had their fair
share of relationships and I'm just lagging behind.
Nowadays,
when I think of a relationship, all it really amounts to in my head is as an
unnecessary distraction. I'm already struggling with finding the time to just
sit down and do something I like. I'm not reading, writing, painting, cooking,
studying nor gaming as much as I would like. Adding a relationship on top of it
all would just complicate matters.
Thing is,
even though my life isn't what I imagined it to be, I'm not particularly
unhappy with it. I've got two godsons to take care of; the only problem is that
I don't see them as often since they're so far away, I have friends who I can
give a massage to, brush their hair, hug, make dinner for, go to a restaurant,
watch a film and have tea with. In other words, everything I wanted to do with
a partner. The only difference now that I see between Friendship and a
Relationship is sex and since I'm not keen on that, there really isn't much
reason for me to go out looking for a girlfriend.
For some
reason I keep thinking of sex as rather vulgar and objectifying towards a
woman. While I like that romance of waking up, cuddling and having breakfast
together, I can't get over the fact I'd first have to sleep with someone.
People have been telling me that this notion of mine is silly and that
intercourse is romantic and emotional but I just don't see it. Then they
usually follow up with suggesting I go see a doctor but I really don't want
look at a woman and think of all the ways to screw her. Another excellent
suggestion I've been given is to just blatantly lie about my libido but, here
too, I can't see the point in basing a relationship on a lie. When I was
younger, I thought girls will want to be with someone who doesn't want to just
have sex but I had to grow out of this way of thinking. Probably around the
time someone told me that if a woman doesn't feel like the man wants to sleep
with her, then she feels ugly... and I just can't ruin beauty with vulgarity.
I suppose
letting this dream die is for the best. I've been holding back on doing more to
get a better job and improving my living conditions. I kept postponing that
step because I know full well that if I were to have a decent wage, a job I
wouldn't be ashamed of, a house of my own or even a car, I wouldn't be able to
trust anyone to love me for who I am rather than what I have. Now that I have
nothing, I could understand someone falling in love with me. If, by any chance,
however, I manage to get all these things people seem to crave so much, I
wouldn't know how to tell if someone loves me or just sees an advantage in
hooking up with someone who can provide her with decent living conditions.
That is what
I believed when I was a child: Love, Honesty and Compassion.
It's about
time I did away with childish things...
